Gails Blog

One of the couples I worked with is setting some bad examples for their kids. He is stressed out by work, by the debt, by his failure as provider and gets angry quickly. Then he begs forgiveness by buying his daughter something. Mommy is substituting spending for doing, dropping an average of $150 a month at the local dollar store on crapola. Geepers creepers.

This got me thinking about how complicated we make our lives with our children. We want to make all their decisions, creating total dependency, and then we whine because they can’t do anything for themselves. We’re so obsessed with them not making a mess we won’t let them pour the juice. We’re so nuts about the image they’ll create we won’t let them wear mismatched socks. We’re so focused on them having fun, we don’t let them have any downtime to just goof off.

I’m not sure when parenting became a University course, but it has. Just look at the proliferation of books on the subject – mine included, on how to teach kids about money – and you’ll see that raising kids is such a complicated thing we need to have a doctorate to do it right. 

How about some simple rules, which not only apply to teaching kids about money, but also to teaching kids about life.

Rule #1: Remember that they’re always watching you. You know that old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do”? Well, kids learn from what you do. Shop without a list and they’ll learn that when you go into a store it’s to impulse shop.

Rule #2: It’s just as easy to learn bad habits as good ones. Browsing serves a purpose. Unfortunately, in our time-pressured world, we haul our kids in and out of stores, seemingly without purpose, always buying something. If you never leave a store without buying SOMETHING, your kids will quickly learn that their purpose in going into a store is to find something to buy. You can’t then turn around and say, “Do you think we always have to buy something?” because the answer is, “Yes.”  That’s what you’ve taught them. Bad habit. And all because you don’t follow…

Rule #3: Explain everything you’re doing. Yes, it can become tedious, so it doesn’t have to be EVERYTHING, just most things. You can’t take cash from a cash machine without explaining how it works or your kids will think, “the machine just gives you money.” You can’t write a cheque without explaining how it works or kids with think, “cheques are money.” You can’t leave a tip on a table without explaining what you’re doing or your kids will think ,“Mommy forgot money on the table, I better pick it up.”

Rule #4: What goes around, comes around. If you’re truthful with your children, you have the right to expect the same from them. But if you lie, obfuscate, and only tell part of the story, why would you expect any less from them. Remember rule numbers 1 and 2? Hmmm.

Rule #5: Keep it simple. The more complicated you make something, the harder it is to deal with. Complicated outfits mean kids will get it wrong and look dumb. Simple colour combinations help them get it right.  Complicated rules for how kids can get and use their money are hard to understand and keep straight.  That why the Magic Jars work so well (for both kids and adults); the system is simple to understand and use.

Rule #6: Don’t try to do too much at once. Over-scheduling kids lives doesn’t make them happier. Kids need down time to just hang, think, imagine, process, cope. And jamming a whole bunch of money lessons into a day, week or month won’t work either since time is important for practicing and processing. Here’s a line from a Joanie Mitchell song (or was it Joan Baez?)… “Take your time or time takes you and drains your soul away.”

Rule #7: Prepare your kids. Telling your kids what you’re going to do helps them create a mind-map of what’s going to happen. Ditto teaching them about money.  Lay out what you’ll be teaching them before you get into the actual lesson so they know what to expect. If you’re going to teach about allowances, tell them you’re not going to get into loans, advances, work for pay or all the other stuff that can make the discussion really complicated, you’re just going to be talking about how much, how often, and what they can do with their money.

Rule #8: Be prepared. Just as you wouldn’t dream of heading out without bag of clean-up stuff and a set of nibblies to hold hunger at bay, you also have to be prepared when you’re teaching kids about money. Don’t trying giving a kid her $7 in allowance using a five and two ones. How will she put away her 70¢ for saving, or divvy up money between her Planned Spending (for that new CD) and her Mad Money?

Rule #9: Routine is your friend. Keep switching the day when you give the allowance and watch your kid eye you suspiciously. Forget to give the allowance and you’ll prove you’re not trustworthy. Change the rule on how the allowance can be used based on every new situation and you’ll teach your kids you’re a scatterbrain.

Rule #10: Know when to let go. It’s not worth all the hassle to get on your kids’ cases about everything. Know when to let things go and just relax. As long as you deliver a consistent message, love them and have their best interest at heart, they’ll turn out fine. If you’re doing anything “because of the principal of the thing”, it’s because you’re too lazy to weigh each decision on its own merit.