Gails Blog

Very often people are seen in a particular light: I’m a mother to my children, their friends, and their friends’ parents. To some I’m a nut. To the farmers around whom I live, I’m a city-girl. To those people who interact with me at school, I’m a parent or a busy-body or a Crazy Woman. You’ve seen my eyes pop out of my head on TV. Imagine what it’s like when people are messin’ with my children!

My children helped to define who I am. Before my daughter, Alex, came along, I was this sex-pot, career-focused over-achiever who thought the world revolved around me. The whole world. (Hey, don’t laugh about the sex-pot thing… you should have seen me in a bikini before babies!) After I had my children I became a much nicer person simply because I realized that I was so much more. I love motherhood. And I’m damn good at it.

One of the things that helped me be such a good mother was the realization that I couldn’t control everything. When my son was about four I found out that he has Asperger’s Syndrome - a classification of autism. Along with it came a significant language disability. And along with that information came the idea that having a child who had some challenges meant I was not in control - in fact, had never been in control — of all that goes on around me.

I have subsequently shared my story about Malcolm in many places, including a story that still lives somewhere on the internet. I received a note recently from a woman who had read my story and taken strength from something we share.

J wrote:

I love Til Debt Do Us Part and have probably watched every episode, but my question is in fact a comment that is not about personal finances (although my husband could learn a thing or two from you!).

I have just read an article you wrote about your son Malcolm and your family’s experience with his hyperlexia. I cannot thank you enough for this article. My son Stephan is 5 and seems to fit all the criteria for hyperlexia, although we are still waiting for his developmental assessment (he has finally been seen by an SLP and is slated for some therapy this summer).

Thank you for sharing your fears, frustrations, and above all your son’s success. I can relate to almost every word and it brings genuine hope to me and my family - instead of constant fear and worry about my little guy’s future.

J’s note got me thinking. Y’all know me as The Money Girl with a pretty good idea of how to put food together. But I’m also the mother of a child with Asperger’s Syndrome. And I’m the mother of a child who is Gifted. I’ve been married three times and in my first Wifely Role was abused, so I continue to work to try to get the message out that abuse is not the fault of the abused. I’m the daughter of an alcoholic, which makes me the cheapest date in town since I’ve made the conscious decision not to drink. I’m a step-mother, a grandmother, and a friend - although I’ve been left on the earth by some people whom I loved dearly and miss like mad. Sometimes I feel lonely. Most times I feel blessed. I work hard to be happy. And I work hard to make as many other people happy as I can, not doing what they want, but being there for a hug or a kiss or an ear.

We are all many people. We’re smart about some things and not-so-smart about some others. We can help people who need what we know, and learn from people who know what we need. But we have to find each other.

It’s funny the different ways the world has of putting people together. I recently watched an inspiring video called The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University. Professor Pausch died of complications from pancreatic cancer this summer at the ripe young age of 47. The gist of his lecture focuses on how he achieved his childhood dreams.

This got me thinking about what my life is like relative to what I thought it would be like, and how I’ve achieved my dreams. I’m not done thinking. It’s a big question.

Too often we get caught up in what is missing from our lives, and forget to look at what we have achieved, the riches with which we are surrounded, and the beauty of every moment. Not to get too sappy, but when was the last time you thought about how WONDERFUL your life is?

Never mind that you are lonely. I’ve been lonely. You change lonely by going out and touching someone. Thanks Brownie.

Never mind that you are sad. I’ve been sad. You change sad by thinking of what you have that you can be grateful for. My beautiful children are always the first things that come to mind.

Never mind that you wish your life were different. I’ve wished my life were different, and then I’ve made it so. Not overnight. No. Big changes take both commitment and TIME. But my life has changed in remarkable ways over my 49 years, often following paths I could never have predicted.

The key, I think, is our willingness to play the hand we are dealt, but play to WIN. Randy Pausch talks about this in his lecture. It’s our willingness to look at the donut, not at the hole in the donut. And it’s in HUGE ways supported by the people with whom we choose to surround ourselves.

If you’re an alcoholic, it would be stupid to hang out with friends who always wanted to go drink their faces off. If you’re a shop-a-holic, it’s stupid to hang out with people who define themselves by their stuff. If you’re predisposed to sadness, its stupid to feed that sadness with ANYTHING – books, music, movies, people – who create sadness for you.

Randy Pausch’s lecture reminded me that I am the author of my fate, that I am responsible for making my own dreams come true, and that it’s all about attitude.

People overcome horrendous obstacles all the time. They are remarkable people. The thing is, I believe WE ARE ALL REMARKABLE PEOPLE, some of us just don’t realize it.

Today, tell someone you love just how remarkable they are. Do this every month. Find someone who is remarkable – you are surrounded by them – and TELL THEM. Find someone you can help and HELP them. Find someone who can help you and ACCEPT their help. We are nothing if we are not connected. We carry within us the spirit and experiences that would allow us to give so much to others. But like your Momma said, you have to learn to share.

What do you have to share? And who are you going to share with TODAY?

People are not rational. This isn’t news to me. I’ve been watching people do really stupid things – things against their own best interests – for years. But WHY do they do stupid things? Ah, that’s the question.

Well economists and behavioural scientists are coming together to uncover the source of our irrationality. I’ve blogged before about the latest in economics – called neuroeconomics – that studies how our brains actually respond to things. We’re not guessing how people “feel” anymore. Now we’re using MRIs to take pictures of how we “feel.”

A breakthrough report cited on Economist.com used active MRIs to show that failure to choose an optimal outcome in the Ultimatum Game correlated with an area in the brain said to be involved with reward and punishment decisions.

Here’s the gist of the ultimatum game:


“Take two people and tell them they have the opportunity to split $10. Furthermore, tell one person that, as first mover, they get to make a one time offer, and tell the other person that, as second mover, they get the opportunity to either accept or reject this offer. If the offer is rejected they both go home with zero.”

According to standard economic theory, as long as the first person offers any money at all, the proposal will be accepted because the second person prefers something to nothing. That’s the rational thing to do.

Here’s the interesting part: lots of people would rather have nothing than accept the offer of just one dollar. So much for “A bird in the hand…” We’d turn our back on a dollar because we’d rather have the other person get nothing than make $9 while we walked away with just a buck. Hmmm.

This may be the very reason why people are unwilling to settle for reasonable rates of return on their investments. If they feel they are being bettered, their F-U switch clicks on and they’d rather lose everything than settle for the bird in the hand.

I get a lot of letters from people who want to earn “a better rate of return” on their investments. Better than what? Better than your brother, you boss, your broker? Better is relative. And so is risk. If you’re prepared to lose everything you’ve worked hard for, you can potentially earn a better return than if you stayed with a completely safe investment option. If that scares your pants off, then you should turn off your F-U switch and settle for a return that lets you sleep at night.

For more information on the relationship between risk and return, go and read How Greedy Are You? 

I’m about to become the proud momma to two new Bichon Frise puppies. They were just born and will be ready to come home to momma in about eight weeks. Coincidentally, I just got a credit card statement with a stuffer for pet insurance. Hmmm. Signal from the Universe? So I got to thinking about the issue of pet insurance and whether or not it’s worth the money.

Pet insurance is becoming very popular because vet costs are rising and interventions are becoming much more expensive. According to the American Veterinary Medical Association, Americans spend more than $20 billion dollars a year on veterinary care.  In 2003, fewer than 1% of an estimated nine million Canadian pets were insured. ConsumerReports.org says that’s because pet insurance doesn’t offer good value for the money you have to put out.  And I quote:

The problem with pet insurance is all its fine-print pitfalls. Indeed, buying a policy may end up increasing a pet owner’s total expenditures on veterinary care by thousands of dollars, according to our analysis of five plans. That’s because on top of deductibles required by all the insurers, plus any co-pays, unreimbursed costs, and exclusions–all of which you pay out-of-pocket–you also pay premiums. Seemingly small $11 to $50 per-month premiums can add up to $2,000 to $6,000 or more over a pet’s lifetime.

See their take on it. (http://www.consumerreports.org/pets/0307vet2.html)

If you decide in favour of pet insurance, it appears you have to be careful; you don’t want to just pick any old plan. There are policy options you’ll want to ask about such as benefit limits, deductibles, and, most importantly, what’s covered. Ask about:

• enrollment period: from what age to what age. Some plans cover critters from 8 weeks old to death; other cut off coverage at 8 years or so (hey, isn’t this exactly when you’re most likely to need coverage?)
• wait period: Plans often have a wait period of up to 21 days from the time you fill out the application until the plan goes into effect. Some plans also require a vet checkup before the plan is activated. 

• benefit limit: the maximum the plan will pay out a year or over the life of the plan
• deductible: how much you must pay from your own pocket for each claim; some companies let you choose a deductible and reduce your premiums (by a smidgeon) based on the deductible you’ve chosen; with other plans, the deductible increases as your pet ages. Keep in mind that low premiums with too-high deductibles just aren’t worth it.
• co-pays: the plan pays up to 80% (or whatever your plan pays) and you pay the difference
• discounts for multiple pets
• coverage for pre-existing conditions: some plans will cover if the condition has been completely cured; other plans consider genetic conditions to be pre-existing. For example, Doberman Pinschers tend to suffer from Wobbler’s Disease and cardiomiopathy so those might not be covered for your Dobi.
• coverage for cancer
• coverage for sterilization
• coverage for preventative care: which would take care of your vet visits (most plans require at least an annual vet visit to keep the plan in effect)
• monthly cost: costs vary tremendously with the type of plan you sign up for, running anywhere from $10 to $100 a month. Basic plans cover the costs of accidents (like being hit by a car) and some common illnesses like eye and ear infections. Top of the line coverage may cover routine preventive care (such as vaccinations and neuters/spays) and even alternative therapies like acupuncture and hydrotherapy. Some even cover the costs of cremation or burial of a pet, and include extra coverage upon accidental death. (You should also check to see if the premium will change after you’ve taken out the plan, and by how much.)

I got quotes for insuring one of my puppies from a variety of sources and it looks like it might cost about $60 a month for a good level of coverage. And since many of the plans I looked at have a cut-off when the dog turns 8, after spending almost $6,000 in premiums, I’d be back on my own. Also my last Bichon Frise, Sabrina Sabu-Yabu, never had a day of illness and lived 14 great years, so the breed may be hardy enough to not require pet insurance.

So I’m looking for some feedback. What’s your experience been with pet insurance? Worth it or not? And were there any surprises when you tried to make a claim or after you had had the plan for a while?

I want to give a shout out to all the people from all over the world who come to the site and leave me lovely notes. Thank you. It makes my heart swell to know that you’re enjoying the show and that you’re learning so much. Whenever you tell me how you’re doing, it makes me feel so proud of y’all… since I can’t be there in person, you should take special pride in knowing you’re doing it without having been pinched, slapped, whacked, or made to call yourself a “dickwad”; you saw that episode, right?

I bring this up because I had a particularly hard shoot yesterday. I’m working with a couple who question EVERYTHING. I told them that they were overspending by over $2K a month. They disputed it. They disputed what the number I’d come up with for their cash. They disputed my tone, my manner, my approach. I call them my Butt family because everything I said led to them saying, “But.”

Anyway, for a single scene, we were on camera for over an hour… no break. The shooter-boys had to change tape in the midst of the roll, and John, the sound guy, had to sneak into the shot to change the batteries in my mike pak. Lordy, and it was hot.

Turns out when she did her version of the budget for me as part of her paperwork compilation, Mrs. Butt said they was spending over $2K more than they made. Hey, my number should have been no surprise then, right? As for the cash, well, she’d forgotten about the cash advances from the line of credit. And my manner: rude, aggressive, bitchy. Really? Me?

It’s interesting the people that I meet through my travels. Whether I am shooting the show or doing public speaking, I meet all sorts. Most people are lost and just looking for some direction. They want to make things better. They want to change. They just don’t know where to start.

There are always some people who buck. Like young horses not yet broke to the saddle, the idea of any kind of constraint is more than they can stand. Yes, they know they’re doing dumb things with their money. Intellectually they know they can’t keep doing it because it’s going to lead to certain disaster. But emotionally? Well, that’s a whole different story. Fact is, they don’t want to have to change. They want to keep living they way they’ve always been living: buying what they want when they want, going on vacation even if they don’t have any money saved, living without a safety-net.

When I hit those walls, it’s trying. I have to work harder to break through and show them the reality of what they are truly facing. Making major changes is more than just intellectual acceptance. It requires a huge emotional commitment. You have to want it so bad you can taste it. Sometimes I make it through the wall. Sometimes I don’t.

Most of the people I work with are ready to change by the time they call me. They’re desperate. They’ve where they need to be emotionally to make the change. Some are not. Sometimes it’s just one partner that’s not ready. But when it’s both… wow, I have my work cut out for me.

Some of you have family members or friends who you think would benefit from my help. Or your help. But they’re just not ready yet. Like alcoholics or drug abusers, these Credit Maniacs haven’t yet hit rock bottom. They can still justify the lifestyle they are living, the risks they are talking. They can’t see the harm. And you won’t be able to reach them.

I’m sorry to be the bearer or bad news, but people have to want to change. You can’t make them change. I’ve had a lot of success doing what I do because people want to change. But I’ve also had some failures. They weren’t completely committed, or they thought it would be easy. It’s never easy.

Most of my families have done very well after I’ve left them. I hear from some from time to time with updates on their lives and they’re achieving good results. Some are total converts. Some are mortified at how they appeared on camera and order us to take their shows off the air.

What you see on the show is what I got condensed into 21 minutes. It’s a tough job for editors because there’s SO MUCH MATERIAL to work with. We’re toying with the idea of a best of TDDUP or a Gail’s How To TDDUP. Let me know if you’d be interested in purchasing such a DVD.

As for when I’m going to be in your area speaking, that depends on if I get hired to do any engagements. I limit the number of days I travel beyond the show because I won’t be away from my kids more than a certain number of days a year. But I’m also expensive. And there aren’t a lot of organizations that want to talk about debt in the same way I do. Let’s face it, credit is the bread-and-butter for most financial organizations. Having a rude, aggressive, bitchy woman with a big mouth on a stage frankly scares the b’jeezus out of most people. Only the bravest are willing to stand me up in front of their clients and potential clients.

Ah well. I’m going to be on TV for a little while yet. Almost done though. Then you’ll have to be satisfied with re-runs, unless I do another show. The future is an interesting place, isn’t it?

Alex has been having a tough time at school recently. The schoolwork part is okay – I hope, I pray, I cross my fingers – no, it’s the “social” part. There’s been a huge kafuffle and the group she hangs with is splintering. It’s tough to watch from the outside. It must be crap to live through. Anyway, as I woke her up I used the mantra I’ve been using with her since she was just a smudge:

My brave, strong girl

My wise and sensible girl,

My kind and gentle girl,

My happy, smiling girl.

She smiled up at me and said, “It worked, Mama.” Yes it did.

So I got to thinking about mantras and the role they can play in my life. I believe in them very strongly mostly because I know our brains believe what our ears hear. So by repeating a positive mantra I’m creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Too often we repeat negative things to ourselves, creating a reality that makes living harder. We focus on what we’ve done wrong, on what our mates have done wrong, on what our children have done wrong. We focus on the asshole who cut us off, stole our idea, made us feel small and insignificant. We live in anger. We live in fear.

It’s a hard way to live.

Years ago I read a book (this has happened more than once) that changed my life. It was called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. It was all about how the tapes we recorded as a child continue to replay in our consciousness and sub-consciousness, limiting our achievement by filling us with destructive emotions.  I decided then that I would not let my history be my future. And I’ve worked hard to feel the fear and do it anyway. Sometimes I’ve cried as I’ve pushed myself forward. Sometimes I’ve puked. But I’ve moved. I haven’t allowed fear to stop me.

I’ve used mantras along the way.  I use them to remind myself to breathe. I use them to move out of anger. One of my most recent is, “I am the stone in the river,” which brings the picture to mind that helps to quell my rising bile. It works. I probably have a dozen that I use regularly. And the one I’m using with Alex right now is this:

Where you are today is not where you’re going to be tomorrow.

That’s right. If you’re in a good place, you better say thank you and take the time to enjoy your place since in the circle of life crap is around the corner. And if you’re in a bad place, breathe and remember tomorrow is another day. This way over-simplifies what this mantra does for me. There is depth and texture, meaning and strength  in these words. They work for me. They work for Alex too.

I wonder what you’d like to achieve for yourself, and what mantra you would use to make your dream a reality. I wonder how you would help yourself reach a goal by telling yourself in a most positive way what you want to achieve.

Think about it. What thoughts do you have that are destructive, and what positive mantra could you replace those thoughts with to move forward to a place you want to be.

If you’ve never tried using a mantra before, try it. You might like it.

TTFN

It’s a fabulous Saturday morning. It’s going to be a slow day. I need a slow day to recover from all the fast talking I have to do during the week. The sun is shining through the budding trees, there’s a lovely breeze blowing and the air smells like honey. I am very grateful to all the powers for giving me another beautiful day full of joy and song. Days like this help me to remember what’s really important.

Last night I cooked up a storm so today I can just eat my face off! Jamaican rice and peas, chicken done with coconut milk, ginger and kaffir lime leaves, and pork in an all-spice, ginger, sesame and oyster sauce. Whenever Alex declares my meals, “delicious”, I always respond, “Enjoy it!” which translates to “I have no idea what I did so don’t ask for it again.” I cook by magic combining ingredients I feel attracted to, and crossing my fingers. It’s one of my favorite things to do. And I’d much rather cook than eat out.

Alex is in the play at school and Sunday is the final dress so I’m planning to spend my day sitting on the gym floor watching these kids have the time of their lives. These are good, focused, hard-working kids. They have been rehearsing Beauty & the Beast since October last year, working until 9 p.m. on Wednesday nights and most of Saturday. Which means Sunday has been HOMEWORK. It’s a cast of about 30, I think, and these kids just love each other. When Martha, who is Belle, started getting butterflies, Alex took her aside and told her that butterflies were good, that they’d help to lift her to where she needed to be for her performance.

So I was thinking, when did life become so much about having, instead of doing and being? After all, these kids don’t have squat - they’re always whining about not having any money — and many come from homes that offer no privilege. Some are the children of farmers (I live in the bush), some are the children of townies of modest means. Some have wealthy parents who can afford to give them everything. And yet these kids live on an even playing field. They don’t compare themselves to each other in terms of stuff (but do in terms of their brains), and share everything, swapping clothes, eating each other’s food, making sure everyone has some.

What happens to us? When do we lose the sense of camaraderie, the sense of belonging, and turn into consumers? When does WHAT WE HAVE become more important than WHO WE ARE?

I wonder how much happier we’d be if we used all that time we spent going shopping helping other people or just doing stuff with other people. I mean, instead of going shopping, maybe we could help a neighbour garden, get groceries for a friend, look after a niece or nephew for a day, cook a meal for someone, offer to read to a person who can’t, teach a child something new, volunteer at an animal shelter, drive someone to visit a friend… the list goes on forever.

I read a posting by a woman this week that really hit home. She was responding to another woman who was saying how hard it was to buy stuff for her children and grandchildren because they already have everything. So this woman suggested the gift of time and individual attention, the alternative of a day spent focusing on the birthday girl.

When I think back on all the crap I received in my life, most of it falls into shadow. There are a few gifts I remember really well, but most of it was just filler. Can you imagine if we took all the money we’re spending on filler and used it to enrich our lives with activities, with sharing, with focused attention? Wow!

There are still things I like to shop for. I’m a sucker for books. And I love everything green-and-growing. I’m going to buy some new pots today, some dirt, some seed. I’m going to start my back-deck garden this weekend. It’s not the stuff I’m buying, as much as it is the hours of experience I’m looking forward to. I’m not much about what kind of containers I get: plastic and cheap are great. But I can hardly wait to plunge my hands into the dark earth, to smell the warmth of all that growing. And all the hours of deadheading, watering, pruning, picking are going to help me stay in my quiet zone, the place where my soul rejuvenates by connecting with something real.

Have a great weekend.

It’s early on Sunday morning here in Firenzia. It is cool and the bells have peeled to becken believers to morning mass. We arrived very late last night after two WONDERFUL days in Roma. OMG. With all the warnings about the amount of traffic, the cacaphony, the dirt, I think Rome was way undersold. It totally pwned!

We walked along the narrow shop-filled streets, darting in and out to look at all the STUFF. You know what? Stuff everywhere starts to look the same after a while. But it was fun seeing the kinds of things Italians like to buy: lots of purses and shoes, tons of costume jewelry, gelato (yummy), fashion everywhere. I saw lots of stuff that would look abfab on Producer Jennifer, who is the girliest girl I know with the keenest fashion sense.

We hit the Spanish Steps, sat and watched the milleau of people — an international smorgasborg. Then we headed to the Trevi Fountain. Did y’all see Roman Holiday? It was one of my favorite movies and as we approached the fountain I started singing the song. My kids are very used to me breaking into song at the drop of a hat, so Alex joined right in with me. (I tought my children early on that no one could embarass them, they were the only ones who could embarass themselves. The lesson stuck with Alex and so I’m free to be me!) So, we round the corner and I spy the fountain and I burst into tears. I was sooo blown away by the beauty, I bawled like a baby. Aparently my family found it “charming.” Ken wouldn’t stop taking pictures of my blubbering, blotchy, laughing face.

We took a tour of the Colesseum. It was so interesting seeing where Caesars sat, animals fought and so many people died. Did you know that all that stuff about Gladiators and animals fighting is a bunch of hooey? Yep. Apparantly, the mornings were used for “hunts” — hunters, usually with nets and short swords,  against animals; at mid-day all the criminals were thrown to the wild beasts for lunch and everyone could watch them being devoured — good with hotdog and a coke, right? In the afternoon the Glads fought each other. It was all very organized. Organized massacré. Hmmm . We stopped by the Pantheon, which is the most perfect example of a dome anywhere. Then we went to the Villa Borgese to see David. He is fiercely concentrating on his target. The clench of his mouth and the set of his brow show his determination. And all the rest of him looks pretty good too. We caught a train to Florence at about 6 last night, and when we got here we were all done in but our socks, so we fell into bed.

The holiday is definately back on track. Getting the crappy stuff out of the way early seems to have set the tone for optimism and a real sense of appreciation. Despite how tired we got over the last two days, the kids stayed cool.

We’re planning a quietish day today. Ken is all walked out and Malcolm needs to do some bouncing (which is how he deals with stress). Alex and I might do a little shopping. I bought a new toe-ring in Sicily (2 eu) and a book on Roman myth with some Roman coins as mementos at the Colesseum. Alex has done a little better. A couple of tops, a beautiful dress — Marilyn Monroe style — with a killer pair of heels for the Spring Fling dance. What a treat for a teenager, eh? To say, “Oh this little thing? I got it in Rome.” She’s doing great with her budget. I had promised to buy the dress — up to a limit — and her grandmother sent her with 100 bucks, which bought the left shoe. Her dad sprung for the right! They’re pretty nice shoes, though I noticed that they fit her perfectly which means they’re a smidgeon too small for me. (I have longer feet; hers are fatter, so we can often share shoes — but not these!)

Well, I’m off to check on the munchkins. There are no hotspots in the hotel, so I’m typing away on the one computer in the reception area, with a Euro-keyboad, which has all the symbols in different places so I keep having to stop to find the “?” or the “/” I couldn’t find the “at” sign at all.

Before I go, some of you had some questions about talking to elderly parents about financial matters. I have an article on the site about just this topic. So have a look around for it. If you can’t find it, let me know and I’ll post the name.

 TTFN

I popped into the site to see how things were going. Glad to see y’all are in good voice. Boy, that Bargain blog stirred up a lot of chat, eh? Isn’t it interesting how our histories and the things we hold as important (work = reward) have such a stong hold on us? Some of us can’t even entertain the idea of doing it differently, we’re sooooo convinced we are RIGHT! What’s RIGHT is what WORKS! So if it is working for you, more power to you. If not, no matter how convinced you are that you are RIGHT, you might want to take another look.

So here I am in sunny Sicily — not at ALL what I expected. I came to Sicily thinking: sunny, quiet, quaint. I got sunny, noisy and traffic! Nobody stops in Sicily. Whether you’re walking, scootering or driving, you just slow down long enough not to hit the next guy and then keep going. Wow! Ken, who contemplated renting a car before we got here, decided that would be an act of lunacy.

The children are bored. Sad to say, there’s not much to see and not much to do that interests them. We had a small melt-down yesterday as we arrived at a “flea-market” to find NOTHING but old crap and more traffic. We hustled back to the hotel, pledged our love for each other, had a nap and then went out for dinner, which was lovely.

We’re looking forward to Rome, and I’m about to make some reservations for some of the things we want to see… yes, reservations are required.

One of my objectives in bringing my kids to Europe was to show them that the whole world does not function like North America does. We’re very spoiled in North America. And everything is very orderly — especially after you’ve spent a few days listening to drivers sit on their horns at all hours of the night in Sicily. We barely blow our horns in North American. We’re polite. We take turns. We have access to just about anything we can imagine. The rest of the world isn’t like that necessarily. When I told my 14-year-old, Alex, that part of the trip was to expose her to how the rest of the world lives, she retorted, “Well tell me that BEFORE we go on holiday next time, and I’ll stay home.” Hmmm.

Very often we have different objectives when we set out on a particular path, but we haven’t taken the time to communicate them clearly to each other. Ken and I communicate really well, most of the time. And we’ve done a lot of talking — usually at 4 a.m. — as we’ve plotted our lives and changes we’ll make. I’m finding the challenge of dealing with kids who are growing up and getting a mind of their own daunting. I’m in the game, but I find it hard. I’m making progress.

I’ve gone from feeling irrelevant — it’s hard to let go of your babies, isn’t it? — to feeling like a guide. And I’m still glad I chose Italy as my first introduction to “the rest of the world” for the children. Sicily may be a bust, but it has taught us all some really important lessons. It’s reminded us what a “fixer” Ken is. There’s a problem, he fixes it. Sometimes we take this for granted. In Sicily, he’s fixed a few things that have made us smile and thank him with full hearts. It’s brought Alex and Malcolm closer together since there’s no one else to get between them. She’s taking good care of him, and he’s watching and learning. And it’s taught me that regardless of how well you think you’ve planned, life is good at throwing you curve-balls. And your job is to hit ‘em out of the park. Sometimes you swing and miss. But you keep swinging until you connect.

Ciao!

“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.”                                                                                      Judith Viorst

I love this quote. I often wonder about the differences between the people who show even a modicum of self-control and those who consume life with such impatience that it takes them all the way to the edge. 

I’m just working up the financials for a couple that buys, buys, buys, without a thought as to the long-term implication. Well, maybe a thought, but certainly no nod to the idea of constraint. They know they’re in trouble: they’ve applied to be on the show, no small step. And when asked, they’ve stated that they think they have about $80,000 in debt. They rent their home. They want to have a baby. And they’re in their 40’s so the clock is ticking.

So why are they spending money they don’t have? What’s the void that they’re filling? And how prepared are they to sacrifice their future for the instant gratification of an immediate rush?

In the 1960’s a psychologist named Walter Mischel at Standford University launched a classic experiment that later came to be called the Marshmallow Test.  He left individual four-year-olds in a room with a marshmallow. They were told they could eat the marshmallow whenever they wanted, but if they waited for him to return, he’d give them two marshmallows. Some kids waited 20 minutes for Mischel’s return. Others gobbled their marshmallow within a minute.

Care to take a guess at what my couple would have done?

Mischel went on to track the success of the kids he worked with in this experiment. Those who waited longer went on to get higher SAT scores, got into better colleges and had higher levels of success as adults.

While differences in our ability to wait emerge early and persist, our ability to wait can improve with conscious effort. And it isn’t a matter of sheer willpower. It turns out the people who are most successful at resisting temptation do so by thinking about other things.

Often people spend tons of money shopping, eating out or on entertainment, and they do so unconsciously. They aren’t really taking pleasure in what they are doing.

If this sounds familiar, take a breath and really think about what’s important to you. Focus on what you actually WANT. Then get rid of the other (expensive) stuff.

Here are some of the things that are important to me: sharing ideas with my hubby, teaching my kids, cooking interesting meals, writing, reading, hugging my pony, talking about books with my friends, hanging out and sipping tea. Guess how many of those things cost a lot of money?

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is to practice living in the moment. I find when I focus on the past or future, I become stressed, dissatisfied, worried. So I try hard to stay in the present. It’s my way of enjoying life to the fullest - without having to spend money. Whether I am reading, talking with my daughter about school, cooking a meal or picking burrs out of the pony’s mane, I smell deeply, take my time, and enjoy myself. I can even do this while I’m commuting - so I know I’ve made progress.

Why don’t you tell me what’s important to you, and how you stay in the moment to enjoy those things. I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

“If in the last few years you hadn’t discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.”  Gelett Burgess

I love quotes. I love the way smart people find a really pithy way of expressing an idea. This quote is one of my favorites. I particularly like this one because it deals with change and expresses perfectly how I feel about growing.

There’s another one I really like that goes hand-in-hand with this one.

“To grow is to change. And to change often is to have grown much.”

I’m not exactly sure who said this one - ancient Chinese proverb, maybe - but I really love the sentiment.

Consistency is applauded in our world. Staying “true” is equated with staying “the same.” I consider that a bunch of hogwash. If you stay the same, you can’t possibly be learning any of the lessons life is trying to teach you. If you’re getting the lessons, there’s no way to stay the same.

I’ve changed a lot over my life. Motherhood changed me immensely. Death changed me too. I lost people I never expected to lose and that not only shook me to my core, it grew me.

I try to explain to others that change, while hard, is a necessary part of growing, that we need to all embrace change, look for opportunities to change, help other people to change. Change makes us stronger, kinder, healthier. Change makes us grow.

Change can come naturally. Or it can be forced upon us. Or we can go looking for it. Aging is a natural change - one we often fight against. I’m not sure why. I love getting older. I’m like a fine wine or a good cheese - better with age. I’ve also had change forced on me, and I didn’t like it one little bit, but I coped and grew stronger. And I’ve sought change. I read a ton - maybe 100-130 books a year. I love to talk about the books I read and I have some friends who are my book-buddies. We call each other up and say, “Get this book and read it so we can talk about it.” We learn from what we read. We learn from the ideas we share. We change.

Whatever you choose to do differently, know that in the end you will be a more fabulous person. Just the act of looking at your life, assessing what you want, and planning how you’re going to get it will make you more fabulous.

So what would you like to change in your life? What would you like to change about yourself (if anything)? What would like to change about your circumstances?

I’m not talking about money here. Nope. Money isn’t everything, and it certainly isn’t why most people are in financial trouble. They’re in trouble because they’ve got life lessons to learn and they’ve been avoiding them by going shopping.

I’m talking about you … who you are… who you want to be.

This year, I’m working on being like a stone in the river, letting the rush of stress, frustration, anger wash over me. I won’t rise up and rail. I’ll aim for calm. 

It won’t be easy achieving this calm. Nope. It won’t be easy. But I’m determined to make a change. I am no longer happy letting negative emotions push me and pull me. I don’t like the cost to me. And I don’t like the cost to my relationships. So I’m going to be a smooth, cool stone in a clear river. That’s my picture.

Wish me good luck. And good luck to you too.