Gails Blog

I read a post on my site by a woman named Maureen Nowosad, who was not only sensible but also funny, a tough combination to find. I have subsequently learned that she is also a phenomenal optimist with a huge heart and a indominatable spirit. I asked Maureen to tell her story in a Guest Post. And here it is in her unique and loquacious style. Enjoy!

Once upon a time in a department store far, far away a beautiful, young Peasant Girl fell in love with a handsome, young Merchant Prince and his 20% off manager’s discount credit card.

The Lovebirds thought the world a perfect place and could not have been any happier. Ahhhh. Poor, foolish, innocent Babes in Toyland. Little did they know that from the moment they set up house together that dastardly Wizard, Maxed Out von Visa, had cast an evil spell over them, filling them with a false sense of entitlement and leaving them helpless to resist the BuyNowPayForever promises of those horrible Hobgoblins, Amex and MasterCard

Before they had vowed to love and honour, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer etc. etc. etc. our Soulmates had been thought of as bright and sensible. But under this evil spell they created really dumb debt, really quickly and lost all Common Sense and Sense of Proportion along the way.

The particularly wicked thing about this evil spell was that it turned good intentions into bad.

The Prince loved his Sweetheart so much that all he wanted was to be able to fulfill her every wish. He lived to spoil her and he did. Rotten to the core. Never imagining how this would poison their lives.

In return, our big-hearted Peasant Girl wanted to make her Truelove’s life picture-perfect - just like in the magazines and on the soap operas. And yet, almost overnight, she turned into a giddy Mall Rat Diva who lived to be spoiled and had become completely addicted to the thrill of the shop.

One pair of glass slippers was no longer enough; she needed to have the latest fashions as soon as they hit the stores or she would just DIE of embarrassment. The little thatched cottage in the woods was acceptable as a bachelor pad, but as a home for a Princess Bride? PuuuuhLEASE. Besides, the shabby furniture did not match the new recliner throne so it all had to go - but first some textured velvet drapes and flying carpets would be nice. And since living in a good neighbourhood was important for his career, they had to move into a huge, shiny new castle with a huge, shiny new mortgage. And then of course -nag, nag, nag - Little Miss Muffet just couldn’t be seen driving around in that rusty old pumpkin anymore. She needed something with enough mouse power to reflect her newfound status and impress her loyal subjects and the other Aristocrats. Especially that snotty Duchess and her endless bragging about luxury cruises to Never-never Land.

Both the Prince and Princess worked very hard but partied harder, never once thinking of such a tedious thing as consequences. With the arrogance of youth they were sure that they had everything under control and remained blissfully unaware that as their lives grew more materialistic their love had begun to change.

At first when the bills started coming in they laughed and said “Oh well, you only live once!” but after a few months they discovered that when you only live once you actually die a thousand deaths every time you open a credit card statement.

So they paid and paid but fell further and further behind because it never occurred to them to just slow down. To keep up with this life style of instant gratification the Prince got a better job and the Princess got a second job.

Problem solved. So they kept buying expensive baubles to celebrate everything and nothing and show the world how happy and successful they were. But everything has a hidden cost. They saw less and less of each other.

Years passed in a whirlwind of denial followed by storms of regret until sadly it came to pass that the only man in the Kingdom who could make the Princess laugh until she peed her pantaloons didn’t laugh much anymore. When confronted with a final notice from King Cole Hydro the Prince simply refused to talk about it and turned back to channel surfing through 75 boring cable channels until he found a new infomercial to mesmerize and tempt.

The Princess grew sullen and found comfort in a tub of Haagen-Dazs Mocha Almond Fudge ice cream. When confronted with a bounced check she would toss her head in defiance and say, “I’ll think about that tomorrow”.

Her Royal Highness had complete confidence that His Highness would always find a way out, never once thinking about the stress she was putting him through. But then there came a day when her Knight in Shining Armour could not ride to the rescue because he had to leave his gas guzzling steed at the garage until he could find enough money to pay the feed bill.

This shocked the Princess filling her with self pity and fear so she unfairly blamed the Prince and wounded him to the depth of his soul by proclaiming “Well, I guess I just can’t depend on you anymore.” Fighting words for sure but because their love was still stronger than their disappointment they kissed and made up. Because of this narrow escape they turned over a new leaf - by borrowing from the Treasury to keep the moneylenders at bay.

Constant worry led to constant bickering and under the weight of all the old and new debt the walls of the palace were beginning to crack and they couldn’t plug the holes fast enough.

The determined Princess resented the economies that were forced upon them and found very cunning ways to fool the Prince and juggle the minimum payments. Instead of feeling the love in his heart, our proud Provider began to feel the ulcer in his stomach.

It is a tragic day when your rose coloured glasses turn clear and trust turns to dust. Up until this time when he had gazed upon her the Prince still saw his beautiful Peasant Girl but now he began to see a Wicked Little Witch. And as for the Princess - well, some days she still saw the Prince but most days it was the Frustrated Frog.

Every fairy tale has an Unfriendly Giant and Terrible Ogre and this one is no exception. In our tall tale we have the tedious Troll from the collection agency who telephoned to threaten every ten minutes and the Ugly Bank Manager who got really mean and nasty and said “No more consolidation loans for you. You are broke and you need to fix it.”

Now you would think that this kiss of death would have awakened Spending Beauty and Sir Chargealot from Dreamland, but did our Hero and Heroine learn a valuable lesson? Heck no.

Even with the Wolf huffing and puffing at the door and the flames from the Fire Breathing Dragon of Revenue Canada threatening to burn down their straw palace they just kept robbing Grumpy and Dopey to pay Sneezy and Happy while ignoring Sleepy, Bashful and Doc.

Over extended, overdrawn and overdue and yet they still couldn’t help going overboard. Apparently the dishonour of looming bankruptcy just wasn’t enough to turn them away from the lure of yet another ‘No-Money-Down-No-Interest-For-A-Year’ clearance sale or to question the irresistible appeal of that “I can get it for you wholesale” Sleazy Salesman.

Unexpectedly our Busy Bees received substantial raises so for a whole year they grew up and paid their bills. However, a zero balance jinxed them again and by the end of the month they were left without a crumb to their name.

Make believe is hard to sustain and our Humpty and Dumpty were heading for a fall. They thought they hid it well from the outside world but soon snide remarks from rivals, smug looks from neighbours and wistful sighs from loved ones became impossible to ignore.

Finally with the pressure building and even whispers of D-I-V-O-R-C-E echoing through the halls of the palace they went to the King and Queen with crown in hand and begged to borrow a King’s ransom. And like many a loving but misguided parent who just wanted her children to be happy and didn’t understand that she could not solve their money problems with money, Her Majesty said “Sure. If we haven’t got enough coin of the realm in the Royal coffers, we’ll hawk the crown jewels. Do you need a kidney too?”

The Queen should have listened to the King when he said “No way, we scrimped and saved and deserve to get that RV and hip replacement” but after fifty years of finger wrapping she knew his mumble was worse than his bite.

So Jack and Jill got their reprieve and continued on their not-so-merry way having once again deftly avoided financial ruin. .

The sun still shone and the stars still glowed brightly but like the moon, the fortunes of our Not-So-Perfect couple continued to wax and wane. Returning to the King and Queen for ever more handouts eroded their self-respect but a healthy ego can instantly banish shallow regret. It’s sad how an act of generosity can taint family relationships almost beyond repair.

By this time Romeo and Juliette were practically strangers, for after all, just how intimate can you get when one of you is always sleeping on the balcony? So it seemed like a good idea to get some therapy. Of course their idea of a relationship rescue was to cash in their air miles points and go on vacation using a new credit card that had accidentally been approved. The only therapy they got was retail or that which came in a tall glass with a little plastic umbrella.

When our feckless spendthrifts returned home and realized that this time the well really had run dry, they sobered up. That is until they discovered the convenience of a Pay Day Cash Advance. Why put off living for two weeks when such a nice man was willing to trust you and advance what, after all, was really just your own hard earned money? Twisted logic, but it worked.

Now at this point someone, anyone, should have jumped in and just slapped the stupid right off of these two but I guess all the Superheroes were busy leaping tall buildings. The simple moral of this part of the story is that there is no such thing as a free lunch especially when a Loan Shark is the host and you are the main course. You do the math: 1,369% interest is not a good deal.

One day from the bottom of a black hole the Prince looked around with dissatisfaction at his career and all the stuff he had bought in order to prove to himself that life was worth living and realized that none of it was worth what he was still paying for it.

Unknown to him at that very same moment the Princess was gazing at her reflection in their new ten-slice toaster and thinking - This tiara doesn’t work. Oh Mirror, Mirror, all our youth has passed by. I don’t want us to keep living this lie.

And somewhere in the distance a bell rang.

That evening the Prince strode into the palace with a new sense of purpose and shouted, “Where are you my Wasteful Wench?” He found his Depressed Darling flaked out on the sofa watching Desperate Housewives and swept her into his arms saying, “I have abdicated and am getting off of this merry-go-round. Are you with me?”

“Oh Yes!” she cried with her lace bodice (30% off at Sears) heaving with emotion. “I will follow you anywhere but how shall we break the spell? I wish we could just snap our fingers and turn back the clock so that when it strikes midnight tonight we could go straight from red to black.”

No sooner had these words passed her lips than there was a flash and channel changing puff of smoke and on the screen there appeared a beautiful, curly haired Fairy Godmother who said:

“Let me drop my wand and have a look around
Tch! Tch! Six months of paper work and what a mess I’ve found
But live by my rules with cash in the jars
And in a twinkle I’ll turn you into solvent superstars

I know that some lessons are hard to learn
But a simple one is that you can’t spend more than you earn
So if you insist on hiring the Piper when you cannot pay
Someone else will call the tune and you’ll have to obey

Sacrifices must be made and challenges accepted
Ignore them and you risk leaving your family unprotected
But stay within your means, save a lot, and all will be well
And then if you choose you can tell anyone to go to Hell

So promise to do everything I say
And the Magic Binder will show you the way
Balance the budget and with each other you will once again become enchanted
And all your wishes for peace and security will be granted

With no more interest accruing and careful spending
At long last you will find your happy ending
So go forth and live and love with a pure and responsible heart
And never again let debt push you apart”

So they did. The End - almost.