The Marshmallow Test
“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.” Judith Viorst
I love this quote. I often wonder about the differences between the people who show even a modicum of self-control and those who consume life with such impatience that it takes them all the way to the edge.
I’m just working up the financials for a couple that buys, buys, buys, without a thought as to the long-term implication. Well, maybe a thought, but certainly no nod to the idea of constraint. They know they’re in trouble: they’ve applied to be on the show, no small step. And when asked, they’ve stated that they think they have about $80,000 in debt. They rent their home. They want to have a baby. And they’re in their 40’s so the clock is ticking.
So why are they spending money they don’t have? What’s the void that they’re filling? And how prepared are they to sacrifice their future for the instant gratification of an immediate rush?
In the 1960’s a psychologist named Walter Mischel at Standford University launched a classic experiment that later came to be called the Marshmallow Test. He left individual four-year-olds in a room with a marshmallow. They were told they could eat the marshmallow whenever they wanted, but if they waited for him to return, he’d give them two marshmallows. Some kids waited 20 minutes for Mischel’s return. Others gobbled their marshmallow within a minute.
Care to take a guess at what my couple would have done?
Mischel went on to track the success of the kids he worked with in this experiment. Those who waited longer went on to get higher SAT scores, got into better colleges and had higher levels of success as adults.
While differences in our ability to wait emerge early and persist, our ability to wait can improve with conscious effort. And it isn’t a matter of sheer willpower. It turns out the people who are most successful at resisting temptation do so by thinking about other things.
Often people spend tons of money shopping, eating out or on entertainment, and they do so unconsciously. They aren’t really taking pleasure in what they are doing.
If this sounds familiar, take a breath and really think about what’s important to you. Focus on what you actually WANT. Then get rid of the other (expensive) stuff.
Here are some of the things that are important to me: sharing ideas with my hubby, teaching my kids, cooking interesting meals, writing, reading, hugging my pony, talking about books with my friends, hanging out and sipping tea. Guess how many of those things cost a lot of money?
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is to practice living in the moment. I find when I focus on the past or future, I become stressed, dissatisfied, worried. So I try hard to stay in the present. It’s my way of enjoying life to the fullest - without having to spend money. Whether I am reading, talking with my daughter about school, cooking a meal or picking burrs out of the pony’s mane, I smell deeply, take my time, and enjoy myself. I can even do this while I’m commuting - so I know I’ve made progress.
Why don’t you tell me what’s important to you, and how you stay in the moment to enjoy those things. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
I’ve been listening to some Eckhart Tolle talking books recently. He speaks a lot about how to tune into the present moment. It was a big help to me to understand that all fear and anxiety stems from stepping out of the present moment: that to become anxious or fearful is to dwell in the past or the imagined future. I’ve been catching up on episodes of Till Debt Do Us Part online and it has made me very aware that people use addictions (shopping, overeating, drinking, gambling) to take themselves out of the present moment. It’s like a forced unconciousness, to get away from feeling something they think will be really unpleasant. Ironically, inner peace only really seems to occur when they become conscious, see the real numbers, and live in the present moment with eyes wide open.
That was my round about way of getting to my reply to your question: my important things are much like yours. I love time with my family, I love time alone. I walk a lot. Take a zillion photos. Keep a wonderful garden. Pay attention to the stars. Where does money fit in this? I love feeling in control of it, I spend very thoughtfully, and it looks really good when it’s compounding interest! I have no interest in living on the edge. Life is too precious.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
It’s important for me to have some “me” time — I love using that time to read. Yes, I have a softness for new books, but $20 goes a long way.
It’s important for me to spend time with my parents. Yes, my mom loves to eat out and that costs money — but good relationship is priceless. Besides, now mom makes clothes for me to wear (for free!) and they are so good I can wear that to work (in an office)! It saves me tons of money on clothes. So, it worths to spend some money on my mom.
I don’t gamble; I seldom drink; I don’t even have a car. But that’s okay.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
We have a few of the same joys in life.
I love cuddling with my kids while watching a good science or nature show Talking to my husband in the dark before we go to sleep each night. Cooking interesting meals and finding new recipes online to try. Sitting with a book on the couch, or jotting down notes and sketches of ideas for just about everything. Walking around the trails in the woods or at the beach with the whole family. Watching my kids play together. Walking up to my sister’s house and having a cup of coffee and long conversations with her….
I love seeing what’s all around while in the car (I prefer to be the passenger) the mountains far off, a cool cloud formation, a pretty new house or interesting car… whatever is different from the last time I went that way. Keeps me in to moment and not stressed about the destination, or time or traffic.
Honestly I get a great deal of joy from grocery shopping too…. but that goes with the recipes and interesting meals. Part of the fun is seeing what gourmet meal I can think of from the discount-bin opportunities, or trying a new vedgetable!
March 4th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Gail-
Maybe you can post some of your recipes on this site to keep us occupied while we’re at home saving our money
March 4th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Time. All i want is time.
Money is something that we are required to have in order to spend our time in the manner of our choosing, which is why we have made the effort to get good with it.
We had an hunch before, but now that we have our daughter, our time with her and each other is so ‘expensive’ or high in worth that we can’t afford to be stupid with stuff, other wise it costs us too much out of our ‘time jar’ (as i’ve coined it. it would look empty to the naked eye, there’s no cash in it, but it’s pretty full). If i go and blow $XXX on something thoughtlessly, then i have to go to work to earn it back therefor missing out on swimming or a walk to the park.
we are currently turning our finances upside down and side ways to make a life where mom and dad are home part/and full time, and then we can ‘choose’ to work or ‘choose’ to play, not be forced away from each other by some ginormous bill. this is hard work but oh, the pay off. i’m already home with my daughter and work on a casual/part-time basis and the pay off already is more than we could have imagined. it was worth working so hard and we aren’t finished yet.
this is more important to us than fancy cars, clothes and other such doodads (not that i don’t like those things any less than any one else).
we love to travel as a family. i love to sit with a tea (pennies a bag!) and chat with my husband, my friend, my mom… my old lady activity of scrap booking satisfies my creative side.
but it’s mostly about time.
end of ramble (that wasn’t going to be so long when i got started, whew!!!)
p.s. i too like grocery shopping, thought i was the only one…sob sob…
March 4th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Hey Gail,
Thanks again for doing that 1 hour Q&A session today..
It was absolutely wonderful, informative and everybody loved it…
What a great event!!
Cheers!!
Monty Loree
March 4th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
time…spent with my husband, listening to our kids (now grown and embarking on their lives), reading a good book, sewing, stitching, the company of friends, trying new recipes and, of course, balancing the jars and our budget!
March 4th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Hi !
Gail, your blog really resonated with me - like Melissa (above) I am also reading an Eckhart Tolle book currently (Oprah’s current book club selection called “A New Earth”). I won’t go into detail about the book b/c I think everyone should check it out or at least check out the webcast for the first chapter for more info about this awesome book’s message, but what this book has taught me is that all of the STUFF that we surround ourselves with or dream about having or accumulating will NEVER make us happy long-term. TRUE Happiness comes from being present in your life, in the moment and appreciating all that you have that didn’t cost a red nickel - like your life…your breath…your friends and family and so on…When you focus on the superficial, exterior stuff (even your body) any good feelings that you may have are superficial and will disappear.
If you can get away from associating your “I”dentity with STUFF, you will save a HELL of a lot of money and although you can enjoy stuff and get some good feelings from stuff, those feelings will be temporary. That is why once people have a certain level of stuff, they always want bigger, better, more…If you instead change from wastefully spending on stuff you WANT versus things you really NEED and get your financial house in order, you will feel FAR better mentally and physically (…stress makes you eat those 4 pieces of chocolate at the same time…). You can then decide what you would like to spend your money on more consciously - perhaps starting a new business that can assist people beyond yourself; perhaps giving to others or to a charity (and there are financial benefits there as well as intrinsic benefits…); perhaps getting rid of the debt that is causing you stress and anxiety. There’s nothing wrong with accumulating lots of money, as long as you are accumulating it to do good for more that just yourself - having lots of resources allows you to help more and more people, which will give you SO much more of a lasting payoff than shopping wastefully ever will! And if you are moving from being one of those people who spends a ton to someone who wants to spend less, don’t worry about the “loss” of stuff - without that STUFF are you any less of a person? Have YOU changed because you don’t have that STUFF? Absolutely not.
What’s important to me is my health, my family and friends, being fulfilled in my career, continuously learning and enjoying all that is around me - music, nature, art, etc. How do I stay in the moment and enjoy these things? I exercise outside to keep my body in good condition and to check-out the awesome world that’s around us all the time - to be present while I am doing that, I take the time to feel how alive I am and the energy that resonates through my body as I workout! I love cooking for my family and eating meals with my family every day and enjoy the time talking to and actively listening to them. Same goes with my friends - I love to get together with my friends to spend time with them - we do a lot of pot lucks and outdoor activities that don’t cost a lot (or anything). In terms of my career, if I am working on something and I’ve lost all concept of time, then I am in the zone - if I am watching the clock and am bored with what I am doing, I know I’m not fulfilled by doing that task and do my best to get that task outsourced to someone else (the best of me is not being used…!). To continously learn, I check-out sites like Gail’s, read (visiting the library), review our family finances to ensure I understand where we’re at, where we’re going, etc.
Check out http://www.oprah.com/obc_classic/webcast/archive/anewearth_archive_main.jsp if you’re interested in the Eckhart Tolle book - you won’t be sorry.
Cheers!
Jenn
March 4th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
My favourite things are looking through my recipe books, planning a new recipe and the satisfaction of a homecooked meal. I am Crockpot Queen Jean around these here parts. I love tea time with friends, and being able to go for a long walk along the seawall here in Vancouver.
My new thing lately is to really focus on me time - I am now training for a mini triathlon and had my first 30 minutes in the pool today. That was so freeing to be alone with my thoughts. I will definitely be including a mention of gratitude in my journal for this new discovery.
I also really enjoy your show. It is helping hubby and I tremendously. Thank you, Gail.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:29 am
I hate sounding like a sorry sap, but what I value the most is my time with my fiancee. I know that we’re in that puppy love stage where every minute seems like a kaleidoscope of emotions, but truly she is what I value most. This is amazing but also created our current financial problems. I doted on her like a princess and bought her everything she desired and now we’re (more like me) looking back hitting myself in the head a la the V8 commercials.
Did she need those 10 purses? Did she need that expensive wardrobe? Did she need to be wined and dined thrice weekly? The answer was and is NO. The simple times we share together…reading on our couches, snuggling while watching movies….holding hands while walking in woods…those are the things we both WANT and cherish.
Don’t get me wrong, we still would like to upgrade our vehicle, but we’re saving for that. We’re planning to move to a new house…we’re saving for that too….Mazlow’s Hierarchy of Needs trumps Wally World’s hold on us. Putting aside the garbage to focus on our true goals is now a common goal and I hate to continuously pat someone on the back..but the reason we are like this now….is by watching Gail on Till Debt Do us Part!
March 5th, 2008 at 9:21 am
it has made me very aware that people use addictions (shopping, overeating, drinking, gambling) to take themselves out of the present moment. It’s like a forced unconciousness, to get away from feeling something they think will be really unpleasant.
Melissa, I loved what you had to say, I agree and found I was in that mind set and life style for many years, trying to shield myself from my stress and feelings, feelings I felt I would be too weak to handle, so best not to admit they existed at all. Slowly I have come to grips with many of the realities that had me running (none so bad that they would make anyone gasp) but they scared the cr– out of me.
Gail, I still find living in the moment very difficult. I love being with my family too, nothing makes me happier or more content then to have all of my grown children, their spouses and the grandkids around me during holidays, family bbq’s and the like. There is nothing that can make your heart as full as to hear your children laugh. When they are happy, you are! They are all close to each other as well and that is another great feeling. So, here I am having a wonderful time entertaining my family, 16 people at the dinner table for Christmas and I ruin it by concentrating instead on what I don’t have. The dinning room is too small, everyone must exist if one needs to use the washroom. Oh if only, if only we could renovate, take down that wall, get new appliances, I could be happier if I had that Island in the kitchen etc, etc and on and on and… you see, I sabotage myself! Live in the moment, what great advice, I just need to learn to take it.
I know I am one of those instant gratification marshmallow people, though I battle with myself to not be and perhaps someday I will win that war.
I must say, I am completely addicted to the food network, to cooking, create amazing meals (if I say so myself) while watching those shows… and I AM living IN THE MOMENT when I am IN the kitchen (but I had to have that tv for the kitchen, I HAD to have it, so it did cost me just a little for that joy:)
March 5th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Right now what is most important to me is financial empowerment. Using the income I work so hard for to pay myself once and for all. Planning for a financial future that is more secure than my current pay cheque to pay cheque status. Watching my savings amass with pride!
The importance of my family and friends is already well established in my life. However, I have realized that if I can eliminate the stress I put onto myself by not having a financial plan then I will be more present and better able to enjoy every second with loved ones. Amen!!