Here’s Teaching You Babe!
One of the couples I worked with is setting some bad examples for their kids. He is stressed out by work, by the debt, by his failure as provider and gets angry quickly. Then he begs forgiveness by buying his daughter something. Mommy is substituting spending for doing, dropping an average of $150 a month at the local dollar store on crapola. Geepers creepers.
This got me thinking about how complicated we make our lives with our children. We want to make all their decisions, creating total dependency, and then we whine because they can’t do anything for themselves. We’re so obsessed with them not making a mess we won’t let them pour the juice. We’re so nuts about the image they’ll create we won’t let them wear mismatched socks. We’re so focused on them having fun, we don’t let them have any downtime to just goof off.
I’m not sure when parenting became a University course, but it has. Just look at the proliferation of books on the subject – mine included, on how to teach kids about money – and you’ll see that raising kids is such a complicated thing we need to have a doctorate to do it right.
How about some simple rules, which not only apply to teaching kids about money, but also to teaching kids about life.
Rule #1: Remember that they’re always watching you. You know that old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do”? Well, kids learn from what you do. Shop without a list and they’ll learn that when you go into a store it’s to impulse shop.
Rule #2: It’s just as easy to learn bad habits as good ones. Browsing serves a purpose. Unfortunately, in our time-pressured world, we haul our kids in and out of stores, seemingly without purpose, always buying something. If you never leave a store without buying SOMETHING, your kids will quickly learn that their purpose in going into a store is to find something to buy. You can’t then turn around and say, “Do you think we always have to buy something?” because the answer is, “Yes.” That’s what you’ve taught them. Bad habit. And all because you don’t follow…
Rule #3: Explain everything you’re doing. Yes, it can become tedious, so it doesn’t have to be EVERYTHING, just most things. You can’t take cash from a cash machine without explaining how it works or your kids will think, “the machine just gives you money.” You can’t write a cheque without explaining how it works or kids with think, “cheques are money.” You can’t leave a tip on a table without explaining what you’re doing or your kids will think ,“Mommy forgot money on the table, I better pick it up.”
Rule #4: What goes around, comes around. If you’re truthful with your children, you have the right to expect the same from them. But if you lie, obfuscate, and only tell part of the story, why would you expect any less from them. Remember rule numbers 1 and 2? Hmmm.
Rule #5: Keep it simple. The more complicated you make something, the harder it is to deal with. Complicated outfits mean kids will get it wrong and look dumb. Simple colour combinations help them get it right. Complicated rules for how kids can get and use their money are hard to understand and keep straight. That why the Magic Jars work so well (for both kids and adults); the system is simple to understand and use.
Rule #6: Don’t try to do too much at once. Over-scheduling kids lives doesn’t make them happier. Kids need down time to just hang, think, imagine, process, cope. And jamming a whole bunch of money lessons into a day, week or month won’t work either since time is important for practicing and processing. Here’s a line from a Joanie Mitchell song (or was it Joan Baez?)… “Take your time or time takes you and drains your soul away.”
Rule #7: Prepare your kids. Telling your kids what you’re going to do helps them create a mind-map of what’s going to happen. Ditto teaching them about money. Lay out what you’ll be teaching them before you get into the actual lesson so they know what to expect. If you’re going to teach about allowances, tell them you’re not going to get into loans, advances, work for pay or all the other stuff that can make the discussion really complicated, you’re just going to be talking about how much, how often, and what they can do with their money.
Rule #8: Be prepared. Just as you wouldn’t dream of heading out without bag of clean-up stuff and a set of nibblies to hold hunger at bay, you also have to be prepared when you’re teaching kids about money. Don’t trying giving a kid her $7 in allowance using a five and two ones. How will she put away her 70¢ for saving, or divvy up money between her Planned Spending (for that new CD) and her Mad Money?
Rule #9: Routine is your friend. Keep switching the day when you give the allowance and watch your kid eye you suspiciously. Forget to give the allowance and you’ll prove you’re not trustworthy. Change the rule on how the allowance can be used based on every new situation and you’ll teach your kids you’re a scatterbrain.
Rule #10: Know when to let go. It’s not worth all the hassle to get on your kids’ cases about everything. Know when to let things go and just relax. As long as you deliver a consistent message, love them and have their best interest at heart, they’ll turn out fine. If you’re doing anything “because of the principal of the thing”, it’s because you’re too lazy to weigh each decision on its own merit.
July 30th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Hi Gail:
Great post as always, and I have to admit that although I sometimes haven’t made it to the bank to get the allowance money on time, the kids know it’s coming, so they’re okay with my absentmindedness so far!
That said, August is coming in fast and furious, and with that comes new school shoes, clothing, etc. My children are 9 and 12. Based on your lessons from today’s blog, I was wondering what your opinion is on making today be the time that I give the kids their ‘clothing’ allowance for school, arm them with a list of must haves (indoor shoes, new socks, shirts, pants, etc), and just take them out to buy their things without me being the only one looking at the sticker price.
My youngest is definitely about quantity…10 cheap doodads are better than 2 well manufactured whatchamacalits. My older one is starting to look at brand name items, but he’s still not overly into it yet, thankfully. Anyway, I’d like to do this in baby steps, so is giving them the whole gambit of money for all their new clothing too much at 9 and 12 when it’s been the responsibility I’ve always taken on? Or should I give them a portion to spend on whatever they want, while I take care of the other portion to ensure they definitely get all of what they need, like replacing the shoes and pants that shrunk over the Summer?
Thanks in advance Gail.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Good morning Gail,
This one looks familiar. I think you posted it previously under a different name. Good refresher though:)
July 30th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Hi Gail and everyone
we have been using the jars for the past 9mths and my 14yr old son has seen the benefits of this system and while applying Rules #7, 8 and 9 we set him up with his own jars he now has $’s saved, fun money and pays for his own expenses as required. And has learnt the value of the dollar very quickly when it is his responsibility to take care of these matters.
He learnt this lesson the first week when he over spent, dipped into his transport jar and had to walk to and from school 2 days! He was taken by surprise when he realized that we weren’t going to cough up another $4 for the bus fares that HE had spent.
The past holidays (in Australia) he was invited camping and being winter here, he needed some extra warm clothes so with $150 in his wallet off he went on his own, I was a little concerned that he may have come back with 2 brand name items or clothing totally inapropriate for camping in winter, but no he returned with 8 items & receipts) all of which were perfect for his needs.
When he saw how proud of him I was he said “I had to do it right, if I returned with a T shirt and socks, you would made me going camping and suffer the cold and my trip would have been crapola!”
Michelle, you might be surprised how well they do! Just make them keep the receipts, you can always change them.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:45 am
michelle- if they’ve never done this before they may need a little help. this is a big undertaking. perhaps sending them off with a list of must have’s that must be purchased first, then they can write a list of some things they might like. so if they are thrifty with the ‘must haves’, they can spend the leftover money on something they might like. or buy nicer must have’s. it’s up to them. remember to tell them to have the cashier put the clothes aside and they can look around and come back after checking out other stores too.
go through the closets prior and have them make the lists with you, allowing their input.
if it’s their first big thing, it’s important that they feel good about it and not fall flat on their faces.
and nothing is ever for keeps, anything can be returned. so no permanent damage could be done $$$, only to their self esteem. so make it fun!
JUST A SIDE THOUGHT- my friend has her pre-teen sons do back to school shopping a week after school. the sales are big, and that way they won’t gripe about all the stuff they bought the week before not being cool, or so-and-so has the same shirt etc. let’s face it, their friends influence the stuff they like. my neighbour had bought all GAP stuff for her son only to find out that apparently GAP is no longer cool with the 14 y/o crowd and he was mortified to wear it. drama, drama, drama.
July 30th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I agree with Jerri - Familiar, but good post both times around!
Plus I guess not everyone has read all the older blogs….
July 30th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I never had a clothing allowance growing up partially because my mom would only buy us one outfit and a pair of tennis shoes before school started. This apparently was in part because my sister and I both had growth spirts after the school year started. Then most of our christmas gifts were clothes. But basically anything that wasn’t a need was our problem if we wanted to purchase it. In middle school I was into the American Girl Dolls. I would “window shop” in the catalogues and make lists of what I want and how much I would have to save including shipping and sales tax. Occassionally I would have money to buy something so my mom would order it on her credit card and I would pay her. I was recently cleans some old boxes out and ran accross one of my lists. I also paid to go to camp one summer. I bought a beautiful oboe one year to replace the one I was borrowing. This makes your kids appriciate what they have.
In reality it doesn’t have to be clothes but you do need to set up clear guidelines regarding what you will and will not pay for. Then stick to them.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
It is so true, the angst and pressure of parenthood! I had never DREAMED it would be so complicated!
About Back-to-school, I have particular stress.
I remember with glee the school supply list and heading off with my dad to get bright new boxes of pencils and crisp clean workbooks, and that ONE outfit for back-to-school. I also remember my dad being terribly stressed. We had a finite limit and the more expensive the pencil crayons, the cheaper the new shirt had to be. Thankfully I always took care of my precious new supplies and I cherished them.
My sons don’t seem to have the same reverence for these things. In fact, it is completely baffling how poorly they treat their supplies!!!! They don’t feel the pride in owning them, and in years past I have tried buying the extra-nice ones just to try to get them to care — they just don’t. So this year, I am not buying them new stuff, except were I HAVE to. This year I am getting them to dig through the mutilated and mismatched pens and markers to find enough to hold them over. (If they were good enough for June of grade 5, they should be good enough for Sept of grade 6, right?) I know that letting them “take care” of their own things has lead to a public image that is less than flattering. To the casual observer we MUST be poor because the boys dress themselves, and have hand-me-down binders. I am not POOR! I just refuse to dole out cash on NEW supplies just to see them systematically destroyed through neglect and purposeful mistreatment. As far as clothing goes, they both need new gym shoes desperately, but they have LOTS of clothing, they are not lacking for things to wear that first day back.
My oldest (11) is saving for a new dirtbike. He has a paper route, mowing lawns and selling iced-tea on the corner for a while now. He has saved his birthday money, allowances and “bonus chore” pay for a while and is accumulating at a terrific rate. The best part is when he stands in the grocery line up with me and sees the HotWheels…. he wants one, he sorts through them and eyes glisten with desire… then he says “mom, I don’t need this one — I WANT it, but I want the dirtbike more” then he puts the toy back, and I am so proud! He is a smart little dude.
July 30th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I wrote about something similar today. That $150 at the dollar store won’t be what a 16 yr old wants, parents need to “start as a means to go on” otherwise they’ll be forking out for cars, laptops, house payment etc for their kids for a very long time!!
July 30th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Tracy J - you and I are leading similiar lives when it comes to the condition of school supplies. My twin girls don’t even make it to the end of the school year anymore without wanting a new binder, back pack or something else because they have neglected the things they have and now they are a mess.
I was just contemplating the whole back to school shopping thing this weekend wondering if I should give them a certain amount of money to get the clothes, backpacks, shoes for school and then they can try to budget it accordingly. My girl’s are 13 and I sometimes I don’t feel they appreciate everything they have; so maybe if they have to see all the prices and pick and choose what the can afford they will take a little better care of it.
July 30th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Hi Gail: Back in early July, following your post entitled Advances & Loans (Kids & Money), I started my daughter on an allowance on a concistent basis. I just wanted to let you know that the results have been quite amazing. She loved the idea and at first she didn’t think much about spending $3.70 on one ice cream, however, she realized very quickly that she couldn’t buy too much ice cream at that price without completely blowing all of her money. The trips to the ice cream store have dwindled and now the ice creams that I buy at the supermarket (24 in a box) are tasting pretty good. One of the hardenst things was when we went to Chapters last week and she found a lovely book for $21.00 that she wanted. What she didn’t want to do was spend HER own money to get it. In the end she bought only a comic book. I am a real sucker for books and I so wanted to buy the book for her, however, I resisted because I knew that I would have been sending the wrong message. Maybe I’ll buy the book for her for her birthday or she will eventually decide to buy it herself, who knows?
Also, she is so proud of the way that she has been saving that she has explained her system to a number of other children who have visited our house (She drags out her containers and cards on which she records her spending). Several have said that they would like to set up the same system for themselves. Who knows how many ten year olds will be Gail converts without even knowing it? Thanks once again. You are the best!!
July 30th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I have put my children on the jar system for about a year now and I have to say it has cut back on my stress level tremendously. I don’t have to rush around looking for pizza money and such on pizza day and they know they have to save for the extras that they want.
This school year coming I have decided to give my kids each $150 for back to school shopping but they have to make a list and decide what they truely need before we will head out to the stores. Both kids have gone through their closets and I was really surprised at the lists they made….they really thought about needs vs. wants and really looked at what they already have. All in all I would say it has made me a proud mum as well as taught my kids a valuable lesson!
Thanks Gail!
July 30th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I had another funny incident to relay…I was in the car with my daughter at Christmas time and we had just gone out and bought Christmas presents from her and she used her own money. As I was driving home…I hear her crying in the back seat. I asked her what was wrong and she says ” I hate spending my own money”
I had to smile….lessons learned.
July 30th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Colleen; well that’s great, and that’s what I have decided. I am giving them a budget a “jar” amount) and telling them they will need to get everything on the back to school list within the budget…. and if that means recycling last year’s supplies where they can so they can have the new backpack, so be it.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:27 am
Tracy,
That’s what I did too….my daughter came to me and said that her backpack was still good and she said no use getting a new one. Last year she wanted shoes that were $90….this year when she is in control of the money she picked out a pair for $20. I think it is a valuable lesson that they won’t get in school.