Who Are You Hanging With?
Peer pressure is something we associate with teenagers and their ability to distinguish between a sensible course of action and a dumb one. We know peer pressure leads to bad decisions and good, and that we want our kids to be able to think for themselves. But have you given any thought to how you may be affected by the peer pressure from your friends, particularly when you decide to change how you’re managing your money?
One of the hardest things to deal with once you decide to live on a budget, change how you’re using your money, and modify your life, is telling your friends. Some of them won’t mind a bit. Some will congratulate you. And some will think you’re nuts.
I run into this all the time when I’m working with my fams. They have friends who like to go out to restaurants. They have friends who want to explore all the amusement park rides in the summer. They have friends who think a budget is what losers do.
You may have to rethink who you’re hanging with.
If you’re hanging with people who are in your new head-space – folks who budget, watch their money, and are getting and staying out of debt – you’ll find it easier to stick to your plan. These Frugal Friends will know that you’re working hard to make changes and they’ll support you.
Don’t equate frugality with meanness or tightwads. Being frugal is being committed to staying on a budget and living a simpler life.
Your Careless Chums won’t consider for a minute how their own spending patterns may be difficult for you to deal with. They’ll say, “Com’on, we haven’t been out for dinner in weeks” or “We’ll just go for a couple of drinks” or “You need to spoil yourself once in a while.”
Frugal Friends are also into the sharing thang. If you have a chain saw and they have a lawnmower, they’re quite willing to share their tools with you, as long as you reciprocate from time to time. Imagine a network of Sharing Friends! I mean, how often do you use your crock-pot or your stepladder or your powerwasher? I once had sharing friends who let me use their swimming pool, which I kept clean in exchange. There’s $10,000 I didn’t have to spend! (They’ve subsequently turned their pool into a beach, which I’m still happy to share.)
Splitting the bill evenly is not always the way to split it fairly. Frugal Friends always go with the “fair” not the “even.” If money is no object, or if y’all ate the same thing, hey, splitting equally is fine. But if you eat a $15 meal, why should you have to ante up $30 to split the bill equally? As the girl who never drinks, my share of the bill is always less than the others’ who have put away a couple of bottles of wine with dinner. My options: pony up and shut up; eat the most expensive thing on the menu; have dessert.
Having a fun night out doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Your Careless Chums may want to blow $100 on baseball tickets, but your Frugal Friends will be quite happy with a night of scrabble and a pot luck dinner. Yes, you’d have a great time at the baseball game. And your Careless Chums may even offer to spring for your ticket ‘cos they love you. Then you feel you have to go, spending gobs for parking, food at the stadium, treating them to drinks after as a ‘thank you’ and paying a babysitter
Frugal Friends will be willing to point you in the direction of the best deal, ways to cut costs, and having fun for free. While Careless Chums will brag about their latest acquisitions, leaving you feeling pooooor, your Frugal Friends will demonstrate just how rich a life can be without constant consumption.
I’m not suggesting that you tell all your Careless Chums to go to hell and go get yourself a whole new set of friends, I’m just trying to point out how peer pressure can mess up even the best laid plans. If you’re committed to changing how you deal with your money, you’re gonna have some ‘splaining to do if you want those Careless Chums to understand your new headspace.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Three cheers for Frugal Friends
Thanks for the lovely post Gail..
July 15th, 2008 at 10:54 am
ooooooooo this blog hits home Gail!
I have one particular friend who is forever pressuring me, she does not know the word - no no no - to eat out, get a pedi and mani, etc, it’s always - you have to treat yourself, you work so hard, you must get out more often, you are always cooking, don’t you get tired of that, come on let’s party, get’s go to this {ridiculously expensive!} resturant, there is a clothing sale here and a shoe sale there, etc etc.
And so far, I have stood my ground and have eventually been told - oh you just can’t be at my standard of of living, you are so below my earning standard! How can you even say this to your friend??
Needless to say, I slowly moved away from this friend and have kept it to a hi-bye relationship now. And why is it that these kinds of friends always make it a point to tell you in great great detail, where they went and what they did as soon as you meet up without allowing you a single word in edge-ways??
It is sad to loose a friend, but sometimes one has to make these decisions. I must say I am not afraid to answer the phone because I no longer have to keep my list of excuses at hand for this friend.
Thanks Gail! You rock lady!
July 15th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
My very best friends KNOW that I am frugal, and rarely pressure. One of them is even more frugal than me (and very happy with a great social life)!On the other hand my own SISTER and MOTHER are the worst for asking me to blow my budget. I find it very hard to spend time with them without poo-pooing their “fun” suggestions. They seem to have made a habit of displaying their love and affection with THINGS. The downside is that I really think they get offended when I don’t participate in the shopping and eating out, etc… I can’t just find different family, so it gets a bit tender at times.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I am in fine financial shape thanks to alot of hard work to stay out of the red. I have coworkers who make less than I do and they are always trying to convince me to spend money. One in particular has bought 3 new vehicles in the four years I have known her. They can’t understand why I still have my college car. I can’t imagine replacing a perfectly good car that has a warrenty just so I can have a new toy and a payment. Instead I have been putting money away for a house payment. One bonus is that I hate shopping to the point that I only go shopping for clothing when my clothes are thread bare. In college I relized farely quickly that there were certain people I couldn’t afford to hang out with. When I go out to dinner with other people I make sure they understand I don’t split the bill even but I will pay my fair share. Most of my friends were paying for college themselves and had to work to pay for college. I don’t really want for anything I am just carefull about how I spend my money. I just took a two week trip to Europe. The majority of the trip I paid for ahead of time and I set a daily budget for the trip since I had set spending money aside. I didn’t pinch pennies but I still came home under budget. It is amazing how much more fun you have on vacation when you don’t have to worry about how you are going to pay for it when you get home.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Hi Gail.
This is a really great post. I couldn’t agree more. My husband and I have been very lucky to have been able to surround ourselves with great friends who understand us when we explain that certain things are not in our budget. My husband and I have been following the jar system for about 6 months now (and we really notice a difference when we ’slip’ and fall off budget for a week) and our decent sized paychecks are making even more of a difference now.
Most of our friends live in modest homes (a lot of small apartments) but are big on the “electronic toys”. Most of them have 2 or 3 computers or the latest most expensive gaming console. My husband and I are much more interested in paying off our student loans but a while ago we started talking about getting a new television. We saved up, did our research, and did not take the decision lightly. When we did finally buy our new TV, we were able to save a very large amount of money by taking a slightly nicked floor model for both the sound system and the television set. I didn’t even know that the floor models were for sale! Just a small tip for anyone in the market for something. Floor models are usually cheaper for furniture, electronics and many appliances and they are all barely used w/a warranty!
July 15th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Gail,
What if those “friends” are actually your family members, like Tracy J? That’s difficult! It’s to the point that I feel that I’m buy my mother’s affection! When I raise this issue to her, she would not admit that I would blow my budget, because she often buy things on sales, and she doesn’t ask to go to an expensive restaurant. But you and I know that how on-sale items could blow our budget.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Such a good post Gail!
It’s so helpful to suround yourself with like-minded people. Coming up with creative, less costly ways to spend time together can be lots of fun too.
Tracy J, I understand your feelings. One side of my family always seems to be trying to “out do” each other whether they realise it our not. If one gets a new vehicle, the other feels like they need one, or a bigger house, tv etc. It’s really frustrating to sit back and watch them dig themselves deeper & deeper in their financial graves for what? More stress!
I have no shame in saying I can’t afford to do something. I feel better admitting it than stressing about if I should put whatever on my credit card.
July 16th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Angela and Tracy J: The old saying is you can choose your friends but you’re stuck with your family. I hate that saying. It really isn’t about them, after all. It’s about YOU and how you react to them. Negative emotions (think Guilt) and their impact on us aside, we each must bear responsibility for the decisions we make and the actions we take. The devil didn’t make us do it, and neither did our fams. We chose to do it. And until we learn to speak honestly, tell the truth and be real, we continue to play the games that make families and friendships disfunctional. The hardest lessons are often the simplest. Here, practice with me… “No.” “No thanks.” “Nope.” “Not so much.” “Maybe another time.” “I’m not down with that.” Keep going… g
July 16th, 2008 at 11:47 am
i find it helps to bring the bully out into the sunlight.
come outright and say ‘i can’t because i don’t have the money for that’ or ‘i’m saving for something more important’ or ‘i would appreciate if you could support me in my goal, it’s a lot of hard work’.
come right out and say it. what can someone say to that. peer pressure is often subtle, so don’t fight it with wishy washy subtly.
come right out, people will look like fools to keep on it after that.
family or not.
k.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Kristin, I like your suggestions. No one should make you feel guilty for saying no. After all, it’s up to us to look after our own finances.