Not Paying Rent? Why?
I am constantly amazed at the number of people I meet who have grown children living at home paying no rent. Those kids are working. And they’re spending. But, for whatever reason, their parents don’t think they need to be paying rent. Whazzup with that?
If you’re one of those kids, or one of those parents, it’s time to get real.
When adult children live at home, work, and pay no rent, they are learning to live on a disposable income they will never again have in their lives. That’s right. They are learning that they can spend every cent they make on their personal indulgences.
So what happens when they finally move out? (You do want them to eventually move out, don’t you?)
Well, let’s take the case of Donna and Dick: they both lived at home before they married; they both had lots of money for concerts, shopping, fast cars and eating out. Now they’re married and they’ve bought a home. Donna can’t sleep at night because she can’t believe the bills that are piling up. Dick thinks he’s going to be trapped in his house for the rest of his life, because he doesn’t have any money to do ANYTHING.
Up until they married, Donna and Dick had no idea what real life cost. And because their well-intentioned parents didn’t make ‘em pay rent, they didn’t even dip their big toes into the reality pool.
Okay, if you’re a parent you’re probably whining at me. “I can’t take money from my kids.” Why the hell not? If they were living on their own, they would easily be spending 35 percent of their income on housing … never mind food. If you don’t take rent, you’re a bad parent. Yep! You are! You’re abdicating your responsibility to teach your kids (adults) about what life is really like. And you’re letting them get used to indulging themselves way more than they should.
When Nat and Matt got married, the only thing Matt had ever been responsible for was his cell phone bill. Pathetic! She inherited a baby from his parents. And then she had the job of growing him up. Shame on Matt’s parents.
There’s one more excuse I’ve heard parents use for not taking rent from their working children living at home: “She’s trying to save money.” Really? Saving for what? A downpayment on a home. Terrific. Take the rent money and put it away and then give it back as a gift when the time comes for your princess to buy her palace. Ya see, she’s supposed to be saving anyway. We all are. So the fact that she has to pay rent isn’t an excuse not to save.
When should you start making your kids pay rent? As soon as they have a full time job. If they’re still in school and barely making ends meet, and you have the resources to help them get an education without burying themselves in debt, go for it. But the minute they are working full time (even it that’s three part-time jobs), they should be contributing to the household so they learn what real life costs.
As for all you parents who are still doing your grown children’s laundry, cooking their meals, packing them lunch, and all the other things you do, hey, that’s between you and your kids. Far be it from me to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do for your kids. If you want them to be your major pastime, have fun. But if you’re letting them learn the worst possible financial habits, then shame on you.
December 17th, 2007 at 9:07 am
Gail,
You are bang on with this one. When I was around 20 years old, my parents forced me to start paying $300 a month rent. I wasn’t going to school at the time and I was working so their reasoning was that I needed to contribute and act like a grown up. At that time, I was of course pissed off about it and I made a fuss but they insisted. Now that I’m a bit older and wiser, I definitely see it the way you said it here. It prepared me for when I moved out and rented my first apartment - I was already used to paying monthly rent so it was a very smooth transition for me to start paying a landlord instead.
I should also mention that this is a GREAT way to motivate those adult children to finally leave the nest and get their own place. It did for me. When I started thinking that I could probably split a whole apartment with a roommate instead of just my childhood bedroom for a similar monthly amount it helped me to make that decision.
When my parents first did it I was pissed off, but when I got used to it I was fine. Now, when I look back at it, I’m thankful they did this for me.
December 17th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
I know what you are talking about. As soon as I got a part-time job in high school I had to contribute 25% to the household. I too thought it was terrible, I was the only one of my friends who had to do that. However, my mother pointed out to me that when she got her first full time job at age 14 she had to hand over her entire paycheck. (There were 8 children in her family). Once I got used to it I didn’t mind it at all. It really set me up for budgeting on my own and for understanding that it is not always a free ride in life. I think these are the hardest lessons to learn and teach as parents.
Great site by the way!
December 17th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
I think some parents find it hard to deal with the “pissed-off-ness” they face when they try to drag their children in reality. I’m not sure why kids would even be surprised at the idea of paying rent if you have a household where everyone pitches in. I guess that’s not always the case. I am so glad both Colleen and Blaine posted to say that the original pissed-off-ness was more than compensated for by their sense of being prepared for the real world. Okay parents… pay attention!
December 19th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Right on Gail! Our 23 year old daughter moved out when we wanted her to pay rent. She felt hard done by. She found out quickly it was more expensive to live on her own than at home. However, she had a boyfriend and moved in with him instead.
My 20 year old is wiser. She works and is saving money for university. We collect rent monthly and put it aside in an education fund for her. This is over and above what she is saving herself. She is responsible for her lifestyle: including her clothes, her transportation (bicycle, public transit and walking), any snacks and lunches for work, etc. She’s pretty independent.
I just have a house rule of being in by midnight, and guests out by then. I have to have something to encourage her to move out!
February 9th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Gail, you should run for PM.
Parents have a responsibility to their children to raise them as productive citizens in society. Asking them to contribute to the household they live in is not asking for much.
My brother, his wife, and myself lived in my mother’s house - with my mother. My mother was not shy to ask me to contribute, yet she would never ask my brother or his wife. Chalk it up to a culture which worships the male. My brother and his wife never dreamed of contributing in any way, not even doing any chores.
I eventually had it and moved out in a financially viable situation. Everyone who knew my situation saw how much happier I was. My brother, his wife, and my mother on the other hand, are still in the same situation with my mother paying for everything.
BTW - He’s 35 and she’s 34 and have been living with my mother for 7 years.
So just a message to all parents: Do your kids a favour and don’t spoil them. Teach them that they are not entitled to your “purse” just because they’re your kids.
February 17th, 2008 at 6:18 am
You’re right on the mark, Gail!
Kids need to be contributing members of the household from the time they are old enough to pick up after themselves, and contributing financially is no different.
We encourage the parents in our program to make sure their kids spend no more than 70% of their allowance, and the rest is set aside for saving, investing, and charitable donations.
As soon as a child has outside income, we suggest that percentage should be 50%. There is no need for parents to actually take and spend the contributions from their kids, if they feel bad about it - but still take the money, just use it to buy shares in your child’s name, or put it in a high-interest savings account, and when they move out, you can give it back to them.
The point is not to deprive your kids, but to develop the habits that will make the rest of their lives a whole lot easier.
Jenny Ford
http://www.cash-smart-kids.com
blogging at http://www.raisingentrepreneurs.org
March 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 am
hello,
here is my rather patheitic story,
my wife refuses to take any cash from the kids,my son who is aged 21 expects it all yet does not wish to pay a penny.
his girlfriend has moved in and sadly my wife expects her also to live rent free.my son in the past year has had several exotic holidays yet he could not afford to pay his car insurance and yes you guesed it his dear old mum paid the £500 premium.
my 18 year old daughter is going down the same route.
this situation is driving me nuts,am i being a tight father?
March 22nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Richard,
Where is your voice in all of this? Sounds like your wife is running the show and the 2 of you haven’t yet sat down and had a real heart to heart and come to an agreement. In the long run, paying for everything for your kids is setting the expectation that you will continue to pay for everything. How long does your wife want to keep paying for them? Also, is this coming at the cost of your own financial security?
March 22nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
christina,
believe me we have talked and talked over the past 3 years yet she somehow prevails?
the kids even leave their dirty plates in the sink expecting someone else to wash them which is normally the wife,she also does all their laundry,caters for their every whim ect.
the odd thing being the kids at times call her disgusting names and in general have little respect for her.
only last week my son returned home one evening after drinking and became abusive to her when i intervened he threatened mysef with violence.which made me telephone the police.
my son and i have not spoken for the past week,sadly my wife blaes me as she believes i should not have interfered.
i feel so much better expressing my thoughts.
March 22nd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Richard,
OK, please don’t take this the wrong way (I have 3 daughters myself ages 25, 21 & 19 so I’ve been around the parenting block, it has not been an easy road at times.) I would say your family issues aren’t financial. Have you considered some counselling?
March 22nd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
christina,
i have asked my wife if she would be willing to attend any such session,sadly she has refused!!!
my wife is a kind woman and very forgiving in addition she would help anybody,however i feel she is in denial regarding the kids.
my sons girlfriend earns over £1000 net per month,to be honest i was against her moving in,however through my son she offered £20 per week which i felt was a silly offer which i refused,my thinking being she should be paying approx £250 per month with my children each paying £150 each per month.
my wife disagreed with the above believing it is her duty to provide for all of them.hence the constant rows between her and myself.
she cnstantly expects me to earn more which i find being resentful too,as these youngsters should be assisting to pay their way.
currently i am building an extention to the house,my son who is a big strapping lad refusing to help in any task,when i complain the wfe explains “he is not a builder ect” which i feel is nothing more than a cop out.
to be honest the house renovations are to increase its value to sell,whenever the property is sold i am seriously thinking of leaving and buying my own place in order to save my own sanity.
March 22nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Richard,
The situation certainly sounds very stressful. If your wife won’t go for counselling with you, you can still go on your own. I’m sure you would find it beneficial. A group counselling type of situation might help you feel not so isolated as well. You could meet other people dealing with similar (& worse!) family issues and that always helps. Sounds like you don’t have anything to lose by going to counselling on your own.
March 22nd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
christina,
thanks for your advice,
wether i go on my own i have no idea as it seems pontless if my wife cannot hear other views regarding these matters.
whatever happens talking to yourself has lifted a large weight from my shoulders which i am thankful for.
March 22nd, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Richard,
At this point you wouldn’t be going to counselling for your wife or try to convince her to see things your way.
You could just go for yourself now. It’s a brave thing to do, going for counselling, very humbling to just walk through those doors, but it’s worth it. Can you tell this is coming from experience?!
March 22nd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
christina,
i would probably feel foolish in actually saying all this to another person face to face with the added fact i would also be on my own.
in other words i lack the courage maybe because i am afraid of what they may say?after all i am the dad of the house and such things may appear trivial to others?
March 22nd, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Richard,
Since we are well off-topic on this blog, email me: cvokey@telus.net
Christina
March 23rd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
After reading Richards story,I truly feel sorry for him as his partner clearly refuses to listen.
Life is far too short for bickering amongst parents,my advice to Richard is simply leave your wretched wife.
March 23rd, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Hey Alana, I really feel badly for Richard too. I had been hoping to encourage him again to seek counselling for his own peace of mind, but unfortunately he didn’t take me up on my offer to email me privately.
My own daughter (aged 19) pays $200/month rent. It took a few months for her to accept this but now she is completely OK with it. It’s sad when you see parents being taken advantage of so blatantly. Seems so many kids are OK to keep on taking, without giving anything of themselves either monetarily or just helping out around the house.
Someone told me a long time ago that parenting isn’t a popularity contest and I’ve remembered that many, many times through the years.
March 23rd, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Richard,
Good luck, a tough situation. Some women only feel good when they take care of others.
I think someone/somewhere hinted at taking the ‘rent’ money and giving it back as a down payment for their own place.
I hope you can find counselling for yourself. I don’t want to label the situation, so you need to find the way to speak for yourself.
To me, the role of a parent is to RAISE children to adulthood. Teach them to be self-sufficient because you never know when you will not be able to help anymore.
March 24th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
thanks all for your kind words,hopefully things will take the path which are destined.