When Your Spouse Likes to Spend
I’ve been getting quite a few letters of late from people who are desperate because they have a Spending Spouse. It doesn’t matter how hard these partners work to get their fams out of the red, they Spending Spouses dig ‘em another hole. It’s frustrating. They’re angry.
I’ve talked about this before recommending that the Spouse on the Spot take drastic steps like handing the money over to the Spending Spouse to manage so they get a taste of reality. But that doesn’t always work, as demonstrated when DM gave her BoyMan a little responsibility:
My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 2 years and he has no part in the bills. I pay and look after everything. I did, at the end of last year give him the responsibility of paying our $40.00 a month insurance bill. It was canceled twice and we were very lucky they let us keep our rate and just pay up front for year. How do I get him more involved but not giving him full responsibility of anything? I don’t trust him to take full responsibility. We are really far in debt, like $40,000.00. For a young couple that’s a lot. Its got me really worried. Maybe I am doing something wrong because we just don’t seem to be getting any where. Thank you so much for everything. I was your show when I can and your advice has helped a lot and I hope someday we will get the chance to meet you. You have to come to Nova Scotia!
I also suggested that you get naked and paint what you owe all over your body to get his attention. But not everyone has the courage to do this. And not everyone wants to dump their Spending Spouse, as L makes clear in her letter:
Gail, I am at a loss. I just received my husband’s credit card statement to find out that on top of his $16 monthly amount for playing his online game, he also just spent $60 on ‘gold’ for use in his game. The credit card is also raising his APR from 18% to 25.9%… probably due to the fact his account is over limit every month since Christmas. We have already filed for bankruptcy 6 years ago and have been working towards a better credit report but I feel like I am living with a baby with a credit card. I was just speaking with him and his first words out of his mouth were ‘So I guess I am coming home for a fight, eh?’ I am not interested in leaving but how do I deal with him, he will not a. budget or b. deal with the budget that I try and lay out. I work very part time and raise my family and keep house full time. He is happy that I am home to do everything that needs to be done, yet every time a money issue arises he wants me to go to work… if only he would work towards budgeting with me, I could afford to stay home and work the way I do. How on earth does a person deal with a spouse who thinks they need their toys and games? We were doing just fine with less money until he went out and maxed out 2 credit cards.
Lots has been written about the need for spouses to trust each other, to talk about the money, to work together on their goals. There’s very little on how to steer a Spending Spouse back in line or what to do when your BoyMan is unwilling to face adult responsibilities. And while all the usual advice is very civilized - respect each other, be willing to accept his objectives are different from yours, keep a cool head - none of this advice really works with a Dope. It’s all very well for an “expert” to say that you and your partner should spend a month tracking your expenses, but if he won’t, what’s a girl to do?
I know some people have resorted to the “allowance” system, taking all means of purchase away from their Spending Spouses and replacing it with a set allowance their partners can use, but not abuse. This feels motherly to me, and I can’t imagine anyone taking well to the idea of an allowance, particularly when they’re bringing home the bacon. If you are both on an allowance, that can ease the humiliation, but if your Spending Spouse is determined to circumvent your plan, he’ll just go out and apply for a credit card you know nothing about. Better the debt you know.
I do believe that getting your partner involved in the money management will help. No matter how much she resists, make her sit down and go over the budget with you. Very often spouses who don’t handle the money have no concept of how much it takes to keep the boat afloat. Making them acknowledge this by sitting through a weekly budget meeting may help.
One of the things that I’ve had success with working with my fams is simply showing them how much it’s going to cost in interest over the long term. You have to spend some time on a debt repayment calculator to come up with the numbers, but why not take your Spending Spouse on a tour of one, plugging in his real numbers, so he can see how much of his money he’s wasting on dumb interest.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and if you just can get your Spending Spouse to STOP, you might have to resort to SHOCK. Pick a month and blow your brains out on your credit cards. (Buy stuff you can take back or that you actually need but never buy because you’re always covering your Spending Spouse’s butt). Drain your bank account. Present your Spending Spouse with the bills and say, “Here honey, there’s plenty more of this to come.” I know it’ll damage your credit history in the short term, but it might save your marriage in the long term. Only you can decide how far you’re prepared to go to get your message across.
And maybe YOU can’t get the message across. Maybe you need to seek outside intervention, professional help to get your partner to open his eyes. Don’t assume that because you can’t reach him, no one can. He may be so inured to your nagging that you’re just a mosquito buzz in his ear. Another person may make great inroads with the most quiet and reasonable of voices.
To all you boys and girls dealing with a Spending Spouse, you have my sympathy. I wish you the best of luck. This is not an easy road to walk, but there’s a lesson in it for both you and your partner. Learn the lesson and you’ll be able to stop banging your head against the wall.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:31 am
GASP! SHOCK! That last suggestion blind-sided me, I would be more afraid of spending everything, than the chocolate body paint idea!
I can relate to “DM”, there was one credit bill that my husband wanted to deal with on his own (he bought my birthday present with it). I was delighted at the idea of him taking some financial tasks, until the creditor started calling about past-due bills!!!! His excuse was that I was the one that check the mail, so he didn’t know when the bill came in….. BUT I always put the un-opened bill on his clean night stand the day it came in!!!! So I resumed doing all the bill paying, better than the harrassment of a little bill.
I tried to sit him down to teach him how to bank online….. he glazed over…. then he said, WHY DO I HAVE TO KNOW THIS? Heaven help our family if anything happens to me, it would be a hard learning curve. He says he likes being ignorant of whats in the account, because then he is scared to spend anything.
Al in all we are doing fine, but I would like him to be more active with our money.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
The last idea about blowing all the money first is what I have had to resort too a couple of times now….and it worked better then anything else I have tried! My husband is great at spending and I am used to pinching pennies. To prove the point, I told him that from now one whatever amount of # he spends - I will match it. One Friday night, he took $60.00 out of the bank machine “for the weekend”. So I reminded him to get me the same amount as well. The weekend went by and he spent all his money. I still had mine. He asked to take out another $60.00 Monday morning on our way to work (we car pool to Toronto) and I said sure “but remember to get that same amount for me too”. In our driveway Thursday morning, the gas tank in our car was empty. He drove to the gas station and I told him that there was no money left in the account for gas. He was shocked and we ended up staying home from work that day with no gas in the car to go anywhere. I got out all of the bills and showed each one to him along with a copy of the budget I had. We talked about what bills where due when and the approximate amounts per month. I also made him call the hydro company and the gas company to explain to them that our bills were going to be paid late.
Sometimes I still have to resort to the same tactic - but its the only thing that WORKS.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I, too, was penny-pinching for the sake of the family only to have hubby spend the savings on some unexpected expense that only he benefitted from. Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. came and went but there was never a gift because “we don’t have the money”. Family trips never happened for the same reason. I finally realized that he didn’t do without, so why should the kids and I? What did I do? For one year, I matched every dollar that he spent and put it into a PC savings account. I’m going to Europe for two weeks with my mom and he is staying home with the kids.
He still refuses to be involved with the family finances…..I’m already planning another trip with the kids.
May 17th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Tracy J:
If your spouse is afraid of what can really be spent, you might have to try a different approach.
Figure out the budget, figure out his expenses (clothing, etc) and give him most of that money. Tell him that you don’t want to see one penny left and than x amount has to be spent on something fun (beer, movie, games, …). Keep the rest of the money for his emergencies.
Someone once said that if you set up your budget correctly and pay yourself + bills, the rest can be spent however you want. Spend it all and enjoy it. You know you pretected yourself (savings and retirement) and the bill payments are reasonable. Don’t work for your creditors.
When I set up my budget after graduation, it told what I am ALLOWED to spend, not what I am restricted to do. So I know what’s ok to spend and the bills get payed.
May 18th, 2008 at 11:51 am
My god… I cannot imagine being with a spouse that doesn’t see the same way I do in terms of cash - that bothers me now. It never did before but that was until I met someone who could really handle his money (albeit a bit too stringently)
November 12th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Mine lets me buy whatever I want, even though I’m basically frugal, but he doesn’t want to know about the finances at all. He literally gets mad at me when I try to discuss it with him.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I forgot to add that he basically spends whatever he wants and thinks he doesn’t need to tell me about it unless it’s big. He refuses to track his expenses too.
I thought it was just me that had this happening. Nice to know I’m not alone.