The Sandwich Generation
A neighbour of mine had to live through the angst of nursing her dying mother while raising six-year-old twins. It got me thinking about how families have changed. Times past, we could count on our moms and dads to be healthy and independent well past the time we were shipping our own kids off to university or their first jobs. Today’s multiple marriages and Brady-bunch consolidations mean that the old family portrait looks quite different from today’s snapshot. Empty-next syndrome has gone the way of the Dodo bird as aging parents, young children, divorcing children with their own young ‘uns, and kids home from university all fight for space and attention.
If you’re a baby-boomer, you’re likely already familiar with the phrase “sandwich generation.” If you have yet to experience it, watch out. It feels like the proverbial rock and a hard place as you turn yourself inside out trying to meet everyone’s needs.
Often underestimated in the Full House equation is the impact of dealing with the emotional side of all those bodies under one roof. Children are forced to move home because of a job loss, divorce or disability will experience significant dents in their self-esteem. Elderly relatives won’t be happy about giving up their independence, no matter how often they express gratitude at your willingness to share your home. Don’t think yourself immune to heated moments as you redefine your roles within the new family structure. Your children and elders may at once love you for being there to help and hate you for their need for your help. Or you may experience both compassion and resentment at being put back on duty as caregiver and financial supporter.
One of the first things you’ll need to talk about with your new roomie is your spending plan. While a financial contribution may not be possible initially, there are other things your child or elder can do to compensate. Your role as parent doesn’t negate your adult child’s responsibility to do something to even out the situation. The last thing you need right now is to create a situation where a child becomes so dependent that he can’t get his life back on track. You need to have some expectations of him, just as he has some of you. Ditto your elder who will need to feel she is contributing to the household.
Speaking of expectations, set the rules right from the start. If you have to watch your child gaily gad about while you’re off slaving to bring home the bacon, it’ll drive you nuts. And if your father-in-law sits, sits, sits, while you scurry back and forth, fetching and carrying, you’re gonna get mad.
Space may not be a big deal for you have a home big enough to easily incorporate your returning child (and perhaps a brood of grandchildren), or aging parent. But if you have to get a bigger place, you may find things get a little tight money-wise, particularly if your child/elder is unable to contribute financially in the short term. Make sure you both understand the ramifications of a change of address.
This should be a long-term decision, not something done for the next few months. You might decide, for example, that you and your child will share the purchase of a new home. You will use your assets to provide the downpayment while your kid picks up 75% of the mortgage payment. Alternatively, you could offer to support a child outright while she returns to school to get new skills with the understanding that you’ll reverse roles down the road. Or you might incorporate an elder’s assets into the purchase of a new home. Whatever tact you take, talk about what will work. And keep in mind that as life changes, you’ll have to accommodate the next step, such as when your elder dies and her estate is being distributed.
Lots of families have to pull together to get through tough times. And if you are the peanut butter in your sandwich, you’ll often find yourself pressed from both ends and oozing out the sides. But being a part of a multi-generational family can also be phenomenally satisfying. Mutual respect and a financial plan will help you to forge a workable and healthy living environment.
May 10th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Gail, I have to say that it’s more about a money issue; it’s an emotional issue. And I don’t remember seeing anyone who could handle the situation 100% “correctly”.
A few years ago, my uncle and my grandma decided to buy a condo together. My uncle had gone though some financial difficulties because his business had failed and had to sell his home as a result; and my grandma fell sorry for her son for not being a property owner. They ended up hating each other. Shortly after uncle said that he would send grandma to a nursing home (a threat… grandma wasn’t “sick” enough to be admitted into a nursing home at that point), grandma slipped in the bathroom inside said condo, suffered a heart attack, and died. Grandma had used almost all her saving for this condo. Besides the condo, she left no estate. My uncle rightfully owned the condo so there was nothing for the rest of the family to do. I always feel bad about grandma dying that way… and most people in my family blamed my uncle for grandma’s death (and the fact that there was no estate left behind).
Now, I make sure that my parents would not “help” me financially. Oh yes, they want to “help” me very much. But I know for a fact that they don’t save enough for retirement. And in the future I don’t want to get into the argument about how much I “owe” them for my “success” (i.e., owning a car or a property). It’s a nasty kind of business.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Angela, I’m sorry to hear your story, but I must tell you, it is not unusual in families to have this happen.
Here is what happened to us - My husband and I have worked and taken care of ourselves since we were 13 year’s old - sewing, lawn care, window washing, car washing, cashiers, etc etc, all while we were studying until we graduated and got jobs in our fields.
After we got married, we decided to move to Canada, from the UK and had 2 accounts, one savings and one chequing that my in laws convinced my husband to hand over to them, so if we needed money from UK, they would withdraw some and send it over to us in Canada. {Just a note - we did not have separate accounts eg one for my husband and one for me, we pooled our money together only separating it into savings and chequeing, it works for us}.
WELL! That was the end of that - we never saw the money again! Every time he would ask for the money, they would reply - what accounts? we have no accounts of yours! Of course that devestated us, and we were left penniless, and in a new country and had to start all over again - this was 13 years ago. And we had a 4 year old in tow! And we were in our late 30’s.
Part of the in-laws plan was to keep us poor and in control. As my father-in -law said to me with a manacing look in his eye - you will come begging on your knees to me for money! And I just looked at him and did not say anything out of respect, but in my heart, I was saying - that day will never come, I rather eat bread and water than come to you!
After working hard for 13 years in Canada, we now have a comfortable home, a car, and a resonable bank account. Then the in-laws came to visit.
They were not happy! Oh no, they were very angry and could not belive we had pulled ourselves out of the plan they had hatched out for us. They tried to tell my husband - oh remember when we bought you this and did that for you, etc etc and they would try and take credit for what we had done in Canada and the UK.
Finally there was a blow out one evening and my husband had it out with them saying - you are most welcome in my home, but DO NOT, EVER point to anything in this house and take credit for it. My wife and I worked for everything here, from the sewing needles in this house, to the car in the garage, to the plates you are eating off from this minute, so don’t sit here and fluff your feathers, when you know the truth of what you did to us and how you left us penniless and broke with a 4 year old and in a new country!
That shut them up real quick and to this day, they do not dare take credit for our success in front of my husband. They try and fluff their feathers in front of me, but I just ignore them and that just drives them crazy!
They are always hatching plans to de-rail us - and will come up with things like - oh we have no money, we can’t afford this, etc. And my husband will turn around and say - sorry, you have 3 other sons, how about asking them, cause I don’t have anything to give.
So Angela, I agree with you, NEVER NEVER NEVER take anything from anyone, even if it is your own blood. We ate bread and soup for many many months to make it, you can do it too and trust me, it tastes a lot better because you know you bought it and made it, it was not given to you!
Just a note - in case you are wondering about my parents - they were in Africa and they were ill, so we did not want to involve them in this as they were already having a hard time making ends meet with medical bills.
I LOVE how you say - It’s a nasty kind of business - cause it sure is! You can make it, if I can make it, you can make it!
Thanks.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Family is a double edged sword. You WANT to trust them because you love them! When my dad was fighting cancer and it became obvious he would not be around to see me or my sister graduate highschool, he arranged a family meeting (a pre-reading-of the-will sort of meeting). In front of my mom and me and my younger sister he asked my stepmother to promise to take care of me and my sister until we were out of school, and contribute a small allowance while in college. I had already enrolled in college with hopes of continuing my straight A report cards.
After dad passed away, my stepmother conveniently denied everything, and since the will was still entirely in her name, we had no legal recourse. Within 3 weeks of losing our dad, we were forced to find other living arrangements. I “couch surfed” with friends until graduation…. I needed those straight A’s to get scholarships so I could afford college still! And my poor sister moved out of town to live with mom (and dropped out of school from grief and loneliness). My guidance councillor suggested I go back to her and beg to be taken back so I could get help. She was painfully cold to me.Then and there I made up my mind not to sell-out to her for a measily $100/month.
That woman could have destroyed us, but she didn’t!
I took it as a personal challenge to succeed without even a penny! And I did! I applied for every scholarship available (and got 5!) That took me through the first year of school. Then working while going to school and some very seriously penny-pinching living for the rest of the time got me through with a tiny student loan. College was no party zone for me! It was the hardest years of my life!!!! But I came out of there with a certificate in a career that I do quite well at, and I don’t owe that to anyone but myself.
MORAL OF THE STORY: If you want it bad enough, you can do it through what ever means possible!
AND:
If you want something in your estate taken care of, MAKE SURE you have it in WRITING!!!!! Don’t trust anyone, money can make people do strange things.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Tracy J, I am so so sorry to read your story. My heart goes out to anyone who had to go through something like this. The hurt is much more when family betrays you, and for us that was the hardest of all, money can be earned, but the betrayal was the worst.
The best thing anyone can do after something like this, is to work hard and succed, this shows the family that you are not easily beaten down and you will rise above all that is thrown your way.
Angela and Tracy, I hope things are better for you now, I wish you both all the very best in life. Thanks.