Intervention
I got a letter from Tracy saying that her sister and brother-in-law are spending their way into a bankruptcy and perhaps even a divorce. She wrote:
HELP GAIL! How do I approach them to tell them to work TOGETHER on their spending? After all, the goal is to be together and happy not to self-justify and out-spend each other into divorce, right? I am very worried that if they keep going like this bankruptcy and blaming, and divorce will be inevitable, then what happens to the kids? HOW can I help them? HOW can I talk to them? HOW can I get them to apply for your show?!
It might be time to sit down with your sister and brother-in-law and have a conversation - as opposed to a confrontation - about your concern.
Keep in mind that interventions are very tricky and not always successful. If it doesn’t work, it could affect your relationship with your sister and/or brother-in-law — and the kids, if you become persona non grata.
I think the first step would be to open up a conversation with each of them individually to see if they perceive that they have a problem. If they think they’re fine, you might just have to butt out baby. If either thinks things aren’t all that rosy, you might offer your help as a mediator while they have a discussion with each other about their issues.
I often advise people who are trying to open up conversations to do it on a secondary issue: you might ask your sister if she’s see TDDUP and then tell her it’s fun and make a date to watch an episode with her. Or you could talk about a book you’ve read, or a conversation you’ve had with a friend. Whatever it takes to open the door.
Also consider involving someone else in the intervention. If you have another sister, and she believes as you do that things are bad, then ask for her support in approaching your brother-in-law and sister. The more people who come together to support the need for the intervention, the more likely it won’t be seen as “your perception” of a problem where none exists. And if you can involve a spiritual guide - priest, minister, rabbi - whomever your loved one respects, all the better.
And then, of course, you have to have a plan of action. What are you going to ask your sister and BIL to do differently? How are you going to help them change their bad habits? If you can’t come up with a plan, something to show them how it could be different for them, then you may be spitting in the wind.
Interventions are successful when people are lovingly forced to look at the ways that their behavior is hurting the people they love. The idea is to bring them out of denial, and get them committed to seeking help.
But stepping in and telling someone they are screwing up their lives — and, perhaps, their children’s lives, that they can’t manage their money, and that they’re failures isn’t going to go over like a chocolate sundae. You could very well be told to mind your own beeswax. And you could be censured by other family members or friends for having the audacity to try and tell someone else how to live their lives.
Proceed with caution. Love must be the source of your motivation, not judgement. And you need to be well armed with friends, family and other professionals who can help.
Ultimately, the toughest part will be when the request for the bail-out comes, if it does. Then you’ll be in a quandary:
- help, and you will be enabling your loved one to continue down a rocky road,
- don’t help and you’ll be a selfish, mean, horrible person who can just stand by and watch the kids go hungry
I’m sorry this is something you’re having to deal with. It isn’t easy.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Gail,
Interesting post. I confronted a member of my family and ultimately I think people are going to do whatever they want. My sister-in-law and I ever made an appointment with Credit Counselling for this person and we showed up at the appointment but they did not. It was at that moment that I realized that while I saw his debt as a huge problem…he did not. And also by making appointments for him I was enabling him not to sort out his own problems. I had to back away and let the chips fall where they may…harder said than done when it is someone you care about but it really is the only thing to do. As for the bailout it came and they thought we were the worst kind of people for not offering help but in the end they are still talking to us and still racking up debt.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I’ve encountered the same circumstances and outcome as Colleen. I can direct, worry and badger to a point and then I had to walk away and it was very hard because I knew what was coming. Ultimately, I can concern myself with my household and no one else. I have taken the time and made the effort to educate myself in money matters, and let’s be clear that there are LOTS of resources. Anyone can do it, unless they choose not to and there is a consequence to their actions.
April 28th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
you can lead a horse to water…….
sounds like this might be a good time to take a portion of the $ you spend on the kids for b-days and x-mas and tuck it away for them later (them not being their parents). when it comes time to the education their parents don’t seemed concerned about, I’m sure only getting 2 Barbie’s for x-mas 10 years earlier won’t seem so bad. the kids aren’t making the bad choices, right?
i know a couple people like this. somehow, they never starve. they never go without diapers or clothes for school. they never go without cable either. odd. but as for education savings, perhaps you could ease what will become a guilty conscience when they ask for $ ‘for the kids sake’ and you tell them to take a hike, that what you’ve done is better directed the money you would have spent on the children anyways into something they’ll need later on.
just a thought. i wish you the best of luck and tread cautiously!
April 28th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
THANK YOU! All of what you have said is great. I am her only other sibling, and there is no spiritual support, but I will see if I can gently probe other family and friends that care to carefully form a strategy on how to breach the subject with love and offer emotional support and maybe even some tips from TDDUP!
About whether THEY think there is a problem…. it’s a touchy thing. Sometimes I am stuck hearing them complain about each other’s spending, and the racked-up debt. Near tears, or in angry tones they confide how upset they are at the irrisponsible spending of the other. Then the next day they are happily bragging about how they want to build a new home! So they SOMETIMES seem aware of the problem and stress about it, but most of the time they happily play and shop to their heart’s content “knowing” it will all be covered by job bonuses, raises and other future financial influxes….
Excuses I have heard: “We can always consolidate again, we can always get a home-equity loan, we can always cut back on spending whenever we want, why worry about emergencies when we have a visa?”
…. so we have talked about it.
I will proceed with caution, and meanwhile put the timer on their big screen TV with digital TV receiver for TDDUP (the new time of course!)