Thinking Out Loud
It’s a fabulous Saturday morning. It’s going to be a slow day. I need a slow day to recover from all the fast talking I have to do during the week. The sun is shining through the budding trees, there’s a lovely breeze blowing and the air smells like honey. I am very grateful to all the powers for giving me another beautiful day full of joy and song. Days like this help me to remember what’s really important.
Last night I cooked up a storm so today I can just eat my face off! Jamaican rice and peas, chicken done with coconut milk, ginger and kaffir lime leaves, and pork in an all-spice, ginger, sesame and oyster sauce. Whenever Alex declares my meals, “delicious”, I always respond, “Enjoy it!” which translates to “I have no idea what I did so don’t ask for it again.” I cook by magic combining ingredients I feel attracted to, and crossing my fingers. It’s one of my favorite things to do. And I’d much rather cook than eat out.
Alex is in the play at school and Sunday is the final dress so I’m planning to spend my day sitting on the gym floor watching these kids have the time of their lives. These are good, focused, hard-working kids. They have been rehearsing Beauty & the Beast since October last year, working until 9 p.m. on Wednesday nights and most of Saturday. Which means Sunday has been HOMEWORK. It’s a cast of about 30, I think, and these kids just love each other. When Martha, who is Belle, started getting butterflies, Alex took her aside and told her that butterflies were good, that they’d help to lift her to where she needed to be for her performance.
So I was thinking, when did life become so much about having, instead of doing and being? After all, these kids don’t have squat - they’re always whining about not having any money — and many come from homes that offer no privilege. Some are the children of farmers (I live in the bush), some are the children of townies of modest means. Some have wealthy parents who can afford to give them everything. And yet these kids live on an even playing field. They don’t compare themselves to each other in terms of stuff (but do in terms of their brains), and share everything, swapping clothes, eating each other’s food, making sure everyone has some.
What happens to us? When do we lose the sense of camaraderie, the sense of belonging, and turn into consumers? When does WHAT WE HAVE become more important than WHO WE ARE?
I wonder how much happier we’d be if we used all that time we spent going shopping helping other people or just doing stuff with other people. I mean, instead of going shopping, maybe we could help a neighbour garden, get groceries for a friend, look after a niece or nephew for a day, cook a meal for someone, offer to read to a person who can’t, teach a child something new, volunteer at an animal shelter, drive someone to visit a friend… the list goes on forever.
I read a posting by a woman this week that really hit home. She was responding to another woman who was saying how hard it was to buy stuff for her children and grandchildren because they already have everything. So this woman suggested the gift of time and individual attention, the alternative of a day spent focusing on the birthday girl.
When I think back on all the crap I received in my life, most of it falls into shadow. There are a few gifts I remember really well, but most of it was just filler. Can you imagine if we took all the money we’re spending on filler and used it to enrich our lives with activities, with sharing, with focused attention? Wow!
There are still things I like to shop for. I’m a sucker for books. And I love everything green-and-growing. I’m going to buy some new pots today, some dirt, some seed. I’m going to start my back-deck garden this weekend. It’s not the stuff I’m buying, as much as it is the hours of experience I’m looking forward to. I’m not much about what kind of containers I get: plastic and cheap are great. But I can hardly wait to plunge my hands into the dark earth, to smell the warmth of all that growing. And all the hours of deadheading, watering, pruning, picking are going to help me stay in my quiet zone, the place where my soul rejuvenates by connecting with something real.
Have a great weekend.
April 26th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Gail, sounds like you have raised a good boy. I have no doubt he’s as wonderful as you make him sound.
Enjoy your day with your soil & seeds.
: )
April 26th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Gail, I’m coming to your house for dinner - sounds delish!!!
I agree totally - our society as a whole must have the best of the best - the latest fashions, newest gadgets, luxury homes & coolest cars. What will it get us in the end? I would give anything to have more time with my parents & grandma who are no longer with us. Precious memories are made with family & friends - not stuff!!
April 26th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Melanie, my Alex is a girl and I’m very proud of her. My boy is Malcolm and he’s the sweetest ever.
April 26th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Gail, you are so wonderfully open and honest. Just as my husband and I try to live our life. Family is so important to us, so is our love for travel, Italy at this point is on our list of places we would love to see. We have an opportunity to buy a new home(on leased land) in a small community 30-40 mins. away. Initially we thought we would be mortgage free with this move but we may end up with approx. $25,000 if we roll in a $12,000 loc. Less taxes, mortgage free within fewer years, but more $$$ in gas to commute. Are we crazy? Or is the lure of a simpler, quieter life worth the daily drive.
April 27th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Hi Gail!
Why spend oodles of money going to a big city professional theatre production when you can go to a local school production, that is just as enjoyable, for a fraction of the price?! 
I love your show!!
I didn’t realize that your daughter went to that school. I am going to the last night of B&B. I can’t wait!
It fits into the budget nicely too!
April 27th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I wish everyone would follow your advice Gail - my extended family and friends think the more expensive the gift, the more they love you. I HATE that - cause the crap just plies up in cupboards and shelves and I don’t know what to do with it - its all decorative and useless and often not our taste. And the sad part is, you are expected to return the sentiment. I am left angry and with resentment when I have to go out there and spend buckets of money {which I don’t have!} to return the sentiment.
I have been saying for years and years now to everyone, PLEASE, PLEASE, come spend time with us, I’ll cook, you eat and tell jokes, play games, etc and that will be the best gift of all - They think I’m crazy!
Or I tell them, buy us what we need - a set of sensible socks or a ball of yarn {cause I knit for charity}, etc which would mean so much more then that crap sitting on my shelf that I have to dust each week{I did not tell them the crap part}! They look at me like I’ve gone mad.
Like hello people is anyone listening! You rock Gail and I’m sending this post to all my friends and relatives - fingers and toes crossed- they get get the message!
April 27th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
NKM:
It’s more relieving than you might think to say: “ok, I don’t care and I am going to give them what I can afford and what I want to give them”. It might mean a few ackward moments, but teaching by doing feels great in the long run. Remind yourself why you are doing it.
April 27th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Marie: Thanks a million and from this day on, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I think you may be right - if I start the ball rolling, maybe they will catch on to it.
April 27th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
NKM:
Also…why spend time dusting valuable crap? Turn around and sell it or give it to charity so that someone else can use it. My mother has a bad habit of giving “extra” things at Christmas to us, most of which doesn’t even make it to the next week. No offense to my mother, but we simply don’t share the same tastes and I have no space to keep things I don’t want or need, never mind taking the time to clean them.
And if anyone asks: “Oh, I was tidying up and took some things to the Salvation Army/Goodwill, etc. I have so much stuff I just never use…”
Just my two cents, but life (and space!) is too short to live with things you don’t want, need or even like!
April 27th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Still awaiting the ‘recipes’ section of this site
The dinner menu sounds great…esp chicken in coconut milk.
This was a great weekend for playing in the dirt…hour of fun for pocket change!
April 28th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Annie: I’m always afraid that people will ask me where their gift is - some have and I pull it out of the cupboard to show them. I really need to stop being afraid of what people think and get a life - I love your idea and am off to start cleaning those cupboards right now! Enough is really enough. I feel so tired when I look that those cupboards. Thanks a million Annie - you all are so smart and I love how everyone supports each other!
April 28th, 2008 at 9:38 am
I TOTALLY AGREE…why spend lots of money when QUALITY TIME is most apprecniated…and is truly PRICELESS when it comes to family and friends. Question for you all…my husband and I both work full time and live comfortably…so how can I deal with the guilty feeling of having a beautiful home…and nice things(bills are paid each month and investments also paid monthly)….??I do feel blessed with what I have in my life…but I usually have this feeling of guilt…Should I feel this way???? Do I make sense???
April 28th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Pamela: Yes, I understand how you feel - I come from Africa, but immigrated to North America almost 15 years ago - I am blessed with food on the table and a roof over my head and the knowledge that as long as I have money in the bank, I can walk out to any grocery store and pick out any food I want and no one is going to stop me and also the knowledge that I live in a safe place and community.
I feel so guilty to know that there are so many people out there who are suffering and I was choosen to live in comfort - this question always haunts me - why me? I too would like to know, is this normal? why do I feel this way? One thing that helps me, is to give back - donate to charities, food banks, etc. I hope someone can help us understand what is going on. Thanks.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:59 am
To NKM:
I agree that donations help…bringing awareness to others…I am a High School teacher and last week I taught The Biggest Lesson to many of my students. Telling them that many around the world(esp in Africa) many girls and boys do not have the choice to obtain an education. Many were touched and determined to help. They would like to raise money to send to those areas where supplies are lacking. That made me feel better….like we are doing something to help those who have so very little…know what I mean!!
April 28th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Pamela: I know exactly what you mean and thank you, thank you, thank you - I love teachers, they are one of the hardest working members of our society and I don’t think they get paid enough for all the effort they put in!
It’s just the guilt part - for each meal that I put on the table, my mind goes to that child who will go hungry or parent who can’t afford to put food on the table. I wish I could just get over the guilt. I don’t want to forget the less fortunate, I just want to be able to enjoy what I have guilt free. I know I will continue to give back for as long as I can, and be forever thankful for all the blessings. Thanks a million.
April 28th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
To NKM
The best part of being a teacher is to make a difference….I love it when students GET IT!! It felt and still feels great that the students got the biggest lesson and that they want to get involved in a good cause!!
How long has it been since you moved from Africa???
April 28th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Pamela: It’s been almost 15 years and I was fortunate enough to go back a couple of years ago - that was extremly hard - cause the situation there seems to be more desperate than when I was there and that really hit me hard. Keep up the fantastic work you do Pamela!!
April 28th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
we do well enough, we are safe and comfy. we are generous when and where we can be. we are happy.
i used to feel guilty. when i saw the show though, i started looking around me through the ‘gailooking-glass’ of practicality and saw excuses, laziness and misplaced blame, and not as often, misfortune (in north america that is, the rest of the world is not so fortunate as we are, always consider donations abroad where they are truly needed). i have not hardened but realize i am exactly where i want to be because I dragged my as% there everyday to make it happen. no one else did that for me. i made the conscious decision to spend with awareness, enabling me to own my first home at 21, building equity, once my career was in full swing. i now have a family and many other riches in life. i’ve made my mistakes as all of us have but by taking responsibility for them i’ve learned from them and made lemonade.
tell your family at gift time you can’t afford it ! ha! then what would they say (probably nothing)! don’t be embarrassed, be proud for making the decision you know is right for you!!!
while i don’t preach all the teaching of robert kiosaki (money guy) he has a board game called ‘cashflow’. if you can get your hands on it and play it with your family (kind of like LIFE) you will never buy another doodad again and neither will they! (doodads are the crap we all complain about collecting dust, or wants you can’t pay for that sink you in the end)
April 29th, 2008 at 8:38 am
NKM, I have the same thing with my MIL, who goes shopping Every Single Day. She just buys and buys and buys, and then gives it us, whether we need/want/like it. So now I just take everything to the Goodwill. And she has finally learned. This Christmas she wanted to buy us a big screen TV. I pointed out that we really have no space in our small home. I said it would be fine as then we would of course get rid of the current TV, to make space. Well, she said, you’re not going to get rid of a perfectly good TV, are you? I’m not going to buy you a new one if you will just throw out what you have!
Exactly my point! We have a TV, we don’t need another one! So being very very diligent with regular decluttering is finally starting to pay off, but it took about 4 years for people to understand that I don’t like “stuff”.
Also, I finally got everyone to draw names last year for Christmas, which was getting more and more out of control. Now we buy for just one person (kids excluded).
With respect to guilt, give 10% of your income or time to charity. It is actually pretty hard to do. I’m not there yet, but it goes a LONG way to making you feel like you’re respecting your good fortune.
April 29th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Gosh you ladies are super! Since yesterday I’ve cleaned out every piece of crap in the house, it’s sitting in boxes in the hall way and guess what - I feel great, I feel lighter, and I have a spare room I can put my guests in!
The charity has been called and its all going bye-bye. And if anyone asks if I still have their gift - here is my reply - sorry nope, the ‘ladies’ helped me, help a needy family. haha No explanation beyond that will be given.
Chloe: that’s a great idea - will work on giving back X % - will have to work out how much, so we can still be able to live and still give back. Super idea, thanks a million.
Kristin: will be looking for that game, sounds really interesting. Thanks for sharing.
April 29th, 2008 at 11:33 am
NKM: Congrats! That’s amazing - really, truly amazing…
The space the “valuable” crap was taking up is now free and clear for guests to spend TIME with you. And I think your reply is perfect; succinct yet no one can really get annoyed for making donations to charity - who wants to look like a heel?
Well done!!!!
April 29th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Cashflow game:
Sounds like a good idea (there is version 101, 202, and for kids) but I can see how this guy made his money! This is more expensive than the Carcassonne big box! Need to find a way to get the public libraries to buy and lend…
April 29th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Annie: Thanks, you set the ball rolling! Shhh don’ll anyone - I’m in my husband’s cupboard now - he is a hoarder- he has T-shirts since he was a kid - let’s see how many bags I can fill by the time the charity truck gets here. hahaha Thanks a million!
April 29th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I’d like to do a shout out to World Vision here while we’re on the subject of charity — a fantastic and extremely professional organization who do wonderful work. Sponsoring a child only costs 37 bucks a month and changes the child’s whole life and that of his/ her family and community. A great way to give back in a REAL way and turn your guilt and sadness over the situation of these kids into something positive! You can’t save every kid but you CAN save one! Truly!
“Just because you can’t do everything doesn’t mean you can’t do something”, as they say. . .
April 29th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Jenny, a week ago, I decided to support World Vision on a monthly basis because of the rapid increase in food prices. It isn’t much and I am not even certain how much of the money World Vision receives go out in direct aid but I did feel that doing something is better than not doing anything. Charity groups are cutting back on the number of people they are feeding because the food prices have increased so dramatically. Domestically, food banks must be facing this as well. Have you noticed how much bread costs now? Giving up things we don’t need, and giving to others when we can, is an honourable thing to do and we do not need to feel the least bit guilty. Our role modelling for our family can have an immediate big impact on living conditions for those in our own neighbourhoods.
Okay, so I am off my soapbox now….
April 29th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
marie: my inlaws bought cashflow, we play it, but am looking for a used set. i keep peeking on ebay and kijiji and hope to acquire one at a reasonable price. while the lessons are sound, the cost is a bit rich for my taste.
wow, if libraries rented games….. way cool.